Dear Mom...

*a note from the author* 

I actually wrote this two years ago on Mother's Day, then shared it with my mom a few weeks later. I'm deciding to post it now, after writing another thing about my mom this week. It's been about 18 months since I saw my mother last. I have mourned the relationship, but God has done a mighty healing in me throughout all of this. I realized after discussing with some very wise women, that through my words, someone else may receive their healing as well. He has done an amazing work in me, and I hope He does the same for you, and for my Mom too. God is good, no matter what we face. He is good, no matter who breaks our heart. God is good, always.

I wonder if you see me? 

I wonder if you care?

Do you know how much you hurt me? 

Do you wonder why I'm not there? 

I want that perfect story, 

The mom that's always there. 

But every time you hurt me, 

I wonder why I care. 

I don't feel like you see me, 

I don't feel like I can share

All the ways I needed you, 

But you were just not there. 

You had your own wounds, 

Yes, this I understand. 

But I still cannot fathom 

The things you did for a man. 

Yes you made bad choices. 

It's something we all do..

But it seems now you can't handle 

Facing all these truths. 

Your children are angry, 

Your children are dismayed.

They do not understand how you justify 

Decisions that you've made. 

Now we're breaking curses, 

We're trying to make a way. 

Please Mom, won't you join the battle? 

Take up your cross and say.. 

My sin is mine to capture, 

To turn to Him and say, 

"God help me please. 

You're what we need. 

Help me overcome today. 

Break my chains, heal my name, 

And restore my soul today. 

Guide my way, bring me joy

And pass that to my children's children 

For all the rest of our days."

A Letter to My Mom...

It makes me sad to consider

The things that you will miss. 

Because you chose to walk away

And be a stone cold bish. 

We begged and we pleaded,

Hoping you would change. 

But you couldn't do it, 

Diving deeper into shame. 

We love you and need you, 

But you don't receive it. 

So we walk around now, 

Pretending not to grieve it. 

We miss our mother and grandmother, 

Or the one that we hope for..

But now it feels like

Yet another closed door. 

I just can't imagine, 

Simply walking away...

Missing out on graduations, weddings,

And your own milestone birthday....

The opportunity to celebrate

This beautiful life we've been given;

The chance to grow, to love,

And live like we've been forgiven. 

Because you are, Mom. 

Whether you choose to see it. 

You are loved and forgiven...

You just have to seek it.

He's right there waiting, 

And we are too...

Praying and hoping, 

But we can't do it for you. 

Your healing is yours, 

But you're His too. 

Turn to Him, mom, 

And know that He loves you. 

Missed Opportunity

 I need to be better

About following through..

Picking up the phone

And saying I love you. 

Reaching out to say

Hey I just said a prayer..

Just wanted you to know

That I'm always there. 

Thinking and hoping 

And praying for you..

Wanting the best

The Lord has for you. 

Instead I stay quiet

And try not to bother..

Keep to myself

And miss out on another

Opportunity He's given me

To show some Love..

To let someone know

He's there above. 

Watching and waiting

And guiding them through..

But I stay quiet

And miss out on You. 

The blessing and glory

Of sharing Your name..

The magical mystery 

Of no more shame..

A life lived for You

Each and every day..

Why oh why Lord, 

Do I block my own way?? 

The Trees

Sitting in the silence,

Listening to Your world

Sing about Your glory,

I know I'm such a blessed girl. 

The wind is roaring quietly,

The birds are singing sweet.

The rain is gently tapping 

A serene and peaceful beat. 

The world might be in chaos, 

And knocking at my door..

But in this precious moment,

You're in my neighborhood. 

I hear You in the animals, 

I hear You in the trees.

I hear You in the tiniest 

And gentlest of breeze. 

I know Your constant presence 

Is keeping me at peace,

But when I'm feeling lonely

I need only listen to the trees.

Me

 I look in the mirror, 

And what do I see? 

A woman struggling 

To just be me.

A me I don't know. 

A me I can't see.

A me I can be, 

Only because He...

Because He loves me,

In a way I can't see.. 

I can be me,  

A glorious me.

A me that's so happy, 

So full of dreams. 

A me moving mountains, 

A me that can breathe.

A me without hurts,

Without pains and strains.

A me who knows love, 

Again and again. 

A me that seeks Truth 

And all that it brings. 

A me who dances,

A me who sings. 

A me that knows 

My God loves me.

A me that is thankful

That He chose me.

A few thoughts...

I've been processing and praying over a lot the last few days. We've had so many changes in such a short time. Major illnesses with recoveries or deeper issues unveiled. Teen relationships that are now headed towards marriage. Setting hard boundaries with my mom and protecting my peace. Unlearning and relearning, and all the things. It's been hard and wonderful all at once. 

Through it all, I've been learning to really process emotions. You see, I was raised by parents who abused me in too many ways. Emotions were not allowed, and therefore were stuffed. I spent so many years keeping my thoughts to myself, it's hard to open up to people even now, and emotions can be quite scary to share.

It's taken years for me to trust God, too, even though He's shown me a million times over how much He loves me. He's carried me through so many difficulties throughout my life.. oftentimes without me even realizing He was there. He's opened my eyes to Truth and Grace. He taught me that I am worthy of such things too. 

As I sit here facing a future that's full of questions, for the first time in my life I face them with Peace. I KNOW no matter what we face, He will be with us every step of the way. He will love us, support us, teach us and guide us. He will bring comfort in the hard moments and joy through all things. 

I used to think I needed the answers in order to obey. Now I understand that answers only lead to more questions if you're doing this right. Life is a steady process of learning about God, and about who we are in His story. He is the author of the greatest "choose your own adventure" story ever written.  He invites us into the most excellent journey of growth and love ever known. Every single one of us have a part in His story. Every single one of us are loved, sought and wanted. But so, so many of us are harmed by others.. frequently by those professing love at the same time. 

The enemy uses people we love to convince us we are not worthy of God's love. As He died on the cross, Jesus grieved that... He knew we didn't know what we were doing and it broke His heart. He begged God to forgive us, as He suffered from, and for, our sin and the enemy's lies. He did that for us. He did that for Love. 

It is so incredible to me to see His beauty and redemption in our lives. Even though we face hard things, we also face beautiful things. In the beautiful things, there will be hard things; and in the hard things, there will be beauty. 

So many have asked how we could agree to not one, but two, teen engagements. My answer is, we asked God. We trusted Him to guide us, to guide our teens, and we trusted them to follow Him. Are they going to make mistakes? Absolutely. They ARE human, after all. But these kids all have the most incredible faith. They understand who He is and who they belong to, so much better than we did at their age. They seek Him first, even when it's hard and scary. They seek Him first, even when it's good and lovely. They are living out EXACTLY what we prayed for: They are following Jesus. 

So in all these things, I am finding an extraordinary amount of peace and joy in the moments. Because I know the Author of all things loves them like He loves me. I know He answers prayers, and I know He's always there. I know they will seek Him, and He will continue to guide them all their days. 

And it will be GOOD. 

 

Dreams

I used to dream of travel 

And all that I could be.

I used to dream of oceans, 

Far as the eye could see. 

I used to dream of money, 

Enough to have no lack. 

I used to dream of being known,  

While never, ever looking back. 

I dreamed of making a difference

In the people I would meet.

I dreamed of lovely dishes

And dancing in the streets. 

But in all my dreams, 

I missed one thing...

The most important thing of all. 

I missed His love,  I missed His Grace. 

I missed His light upon my face.

I missed the beauty of the world

Created by our God above.

I missed so much in my dreaming,

I almost missed His call.

I almost missed the bestest dream, 

The one that's not a dream at all..

A lifetime with our Savior, 

Soaking up His Love.