Wow, it's been a while since I wrote. It's been a time of revelation and discovery. God has revealed Himself to me in big ways, and this week has been no different, and absolutely amazing!
A few months ago, I joined a Step Study with Celebrate Recovery. We work through the Bible, answer some deeply personal questions, and seek forgiveness for our hurts, habits, and hangups. I was pretty sure I had dealt with all of my HHH's before, but I also knew He wanted me in this study. I hadn't figured out the why, but knew that in being obedient, He would show me. And boy, did He show me!!! A couple of weeks ago, I began having dreams of rebuilding old dilapidated homes, which is a dream of mine, so I really didn't think anything about it. Other than, "cool dreams" and "man, I really wanna do that!"
Well, silly me, I should have been paying better attention, because when I didn't get the message, He came back with this: Ben, the kids, and I were at my grandma's house, while she was alive (which, she died when I was pregnant with Alaia, so this was a really sweet part of my dream). We were rebuilding her house, pulling stuff out of walls and putting up new walls, painting and cleaning and making it wonderfully new again. I woke up amazed, sad, happy, and confused. Was He telling me we were supposed to move back home to Louisiana and somehow live in Grandma's house? I really didn't think so, because He has me so involved in many things here. I talked to Ben about it, and he suggested I do the one thing I should have already done... yeah, you guessed it... PRAY. Silly me, once again. So I prayed about it most of the day, until finally He showed me what the dream was about. He's rebuilding ME, from my foundation, the ground floor up. Whoa. I mean, WHOA. What an awesome way to show me what the Step Study is all about. The same week, in a different class, I discovered that I am not the Spiritual Baby I thought I was, but am actually well on the way to being a Spiritual Parent! This brought on another Whoa.
This week, during our Step Study discussion time, I realized what He is wanting me to work on. I have given Him all the crap from my past, but I haven't really given Him ME. I haven't let go of the insecurities and self confidence issues I have maintained throughout my life. The next night, I met with my sponsor, and we talked about these issues. She anointed me with oil and prayed over me. As she was praying, I saw all those words-- Fear, Shame, and Doubt-- rise up in my head and burst into a million pieces. Then I saw TRUST rise up and become a wall. After that amazing vision, she washed my feet of the dust of my past. Oh my God, my Lord, thank you!!!!!! Thank you for giving me trust and taking away all the pain that I haven't let go of!
Tonight, during the teaching, they asked that we write down the sin we have been holding on to. I was so happy to sit there, knowing I had given it all to Him already. The only things I have left are the sins that are based on lies I believed forever... and I've already given those to Him. There is nothing left but FREEDOM. Freedom to pursue Him with nothing holding me back. I am ready to be the woman He sees in me. I am happy to be FREE. I AM HAPPY!!!!
And you know, truthfully, He took my sins from me when He nailed them to the cross. For me. For you. For all of us. Our sin is heavy, but our God is strong. He is bigger than any sin, and He has already forgiven us for them... while we were STILL sinners. How awesome is our God? He took our sin. He sent His Son because He knew we couldn't do it alone. We couldn't give up on our sinful natures without Him. He LOVES us. ALL of us. When we refuse to receive Him and His blessing of removing our sin, what are we thinking?? He is our champion. He is our Savior. Have you received Him? If not, don't you think it's time?
