It's been a while, I know. I haven't felt capable of writing, if that makes sense. I've been jotting down notes here and there. Short little paragraphs every once in a while, but beyond that, my writing has been off. It wasn't until tonight that I really felt that I had missed it, so here we are. Please bear with me as I find my groove again. It may be a wee bit bumpy, but it'll be real.
I have a new friend, and I've been sharing my story with her. I've marveled at the changes in me. I've been astounded at how many of the things I use to be are no longer even remotely present in my life. Wow.
I AM NOT WHO I ONCE WAS.
I can no longer be called by the labels I wore before. The skill set that I was so proud of in my past life is no longer one that I utilize, or even want to. You see, I was a bad, bad girl.... evil in a red dress, and most people couldn't see it. I could walk into a room, take its pulse and know exactly how to work everyone in there. I could manipulate each person into seeing a different version of me, but no one saw the real me.
Not even me.
I had no idea who I was, and if I'm honest, I didn't want to know the real me. That person was weak. That person got hurt. It was much easier being the bitter, enraged, perfectly-perfect-in-their-eyes person that I pretended to be every single day.
If you don't see the real me, you can't hurt the real me.
I spent several years developing my walls and building my masks. Even those who thought they knew me well didn't know me. I put on a mask every morning, and just rotated through the collection as the need arose. Super sexy siren? Check. Fun party girl? Check. Loyal hardworking employee? Check. Mom of the year? Check. Perfect hostess, lover of all things, good girl, bad girl.... I was as fickle as Arkansas weather.
It was exhausting.
I couldn't do it. I couldn't be what everyone wanted me to be. I couldn't pretend that I was okay, when I was so far from it that I was ready to end it. I even tried to, but......
God had other plans.
He sent people to speak to me. He put people in my life to show truth to me, even when I didn't know that was what they were doing. Now I can look back and see each and every person He sent to get me to the point that I am now. I'm still not perfect. I still mess up. I get frustrated and stumble, which irritates me even more. I fall down, but I get back up.
Not of my own will, but because He's put people here to walk this with me. People to reach down and pick me up when I fall. People who will let me lean on them, and who will lean on me when they are stumbling. People who are there, not because I'm wearing a mask that they really like, but because I'm just me. People who understand I'm just human, too.
I've really seen this lived out well in the last three weeks. I've been down.. Fibro started a fight and won this round, but didn't knock me out. My family and friends have rallied around me. Ben has worked exhausting hours, then come home and taken care of me and the kids and everything else. My sistas have shown up to do my dishes, bring me lunch, mop my floors, do my laundry, just sit with me, or break me out of house jail for the first time in three weeks.
Not because of me, but because I put my masks down and asked Jesus to lead me back to Him. I submitted myself to His plans, and I've walked the path He's laid before me. It hasn't always been easy, and there have been plenty of times I've BEGGED Him to plot a different course.
But......
It's been worth it. And it will continue to be worth it, until the day I am standing with Him, face to face, in a place that I cannot even begin to imagine. Then, all of this, everything good and everything bad that I've lived through, all of it will be nothing in the presence of Truth and Love.