I've been processing and praying over a lot the last few days. We've had so many changes in such a short time. Major illnesses with recoveries or deeper issues unveiled. Teen relationships that are now headed towards marriage. Setting hard boundaries with my mom and protecting my peace. Unlearning and relearning, and all the things. It's been hard and wonderful all at once.
Through it all, I've been learning to really process emotions. You see, I was raised by parents who abused me in too many ways. Emotions were not allowed, and therefore were stuffed. I spent so many years keeping my thoughts to myself, it's hard to open up to people even now, and emotions can be quite scary to share.
It's taken years for me to trust God, too, even though He's shown me a million times over how much He loves me. He's carried me through so many difficulties throughout my life.. oftentimes without me even realizing He was there. He's opened my eyes to Truth and Grace. He taught me that I am worthy of such things too.
As I sit here facing a future that's full of questions, for the first time in my life I face them with Peace. I KNOW no matter what we face, He will be with us every step of the way. He will love us, support us, teach us and guide us. He will bring comfort in the hard moments and joy through all things.
I used to think I needed the answers in order to obey. Now I understand that answers only lead to more questions if you're doing this right. Life is a steady process of learning about God, and about who we are in His story. He is the author of the greatest "choose your own adventure" story ever written. He invites us into the most excellent journey of growth and love ever known. Every single one of us have a part in His story. Every single one of us are loved, sought and wanted. But so, so many of us are harmed by others.. frequently by those professing love at the same time.
The enemy uses people we love to convince us we are not worthy of God's love. As He died on the cross, Jesus grieved that... He knew we didn't know what we were doing and it broke His heart. He begged God to forgive us, as He suffered from, and for, our sin and the enemy's lies. He did that for us. He did that for Love.
It is so incredible to me to see His beauty and redemption in our lives. Even though we face hard things, we also face beautiful things. In the beautiful things, there will be hard things; and in the hard things, there will be beauty.
So many have asked how we could agree to not one, but two, teen engagements. My answer is, we asked God. We trusted Him to guide us, to guide our teens, and we trusted them to follow Him. Are they going to make mistakes? Absolutely. They ARE human, after all. But these kids all have the most incredible faith. They understand who He is and who they belong to, so much better than we did at their age. They seek Him first, even when it's hard and scary. They seek Him first, even when it's good and lovely. They are living out EXACTLY what we prayed for: They are following Jesus.
So in all these things, I am finding an extraordinary amount of peace and joy in the moments. Because I know the Author of all things loves them like He loves me. I know He answers prayers, and I know He's always there. I know they will seek Him, and He will continue to guide them all their days.
And it will be GOOD.
