Spiritually Ill

Well I did it. I said a prayer, sat down and wrote a six page letter to my real dad. Six pages, wow! I didn't know exactly what I would say. I ended up giving him a testimony to how God has changed me and given me the life I have now.
While writing, and then reading what I wrote, I am once again amazed at what He has done in my life. To think I made so many bad choices, and He has forgiven me for all of them. I can also look back and see where He's been there, even though I wasn't aware of it at the time. Like the times He kept me from harming myself or others, and even kept me from killing myself once, which had I been successful would have really hurt other people, my family and strangers. Not many people know that one, and I really can't believe I just said it. But there it is, I tried to kill myself by speeding through a stop sign twice onto a very busy road and then when that didn't work, onto a very busy interstate. What was I thinking? I really don't know. I was not in a good place.
A friend of mine used the words "spiritually ill" this week. What a great way to put it. I was spiritually ill for a long time. I'm on the road to recovery now. Being spiritually ill affects different people in different ways. Some turn to drugs or alcohol, food or sex. Some turn to doctors, thinking they need medication. Medication won't help a spiritual issue. In some cases, it can make things worse. If you are medicating yourself against the feelings you are having, then you can't know when God is speaking to you so that He can heal you. Only God can heal a spiritual issue. Only He has the ability to make you well again.
Having used many of those things to heal myself, or hide myself really, I get it. You do what you think you have to in order to forget, to check out or to make yourself feel better. The reality is, it doesn't work. It only makes you feel worse. I know, I have been there. I tried to cover my sins with more sins. It got to the point that I lived a lie, letting people see what I wanted them to see, and then telling myself that no one could see what I was doing. However, Someone could see what I was doing, and I was breaking His heart. You see, He loves us and He hurts when we are hurting ourselves. He is the only one who can help, and He wants to give us that help. Have you read the story of the Prodigal Son? It's in Luke, chapter 15, verse 11-32:

  And he said, “There was a man who had two sons. And the younger of them said to his father, ‘Father, give me the share of property that is coming to me.’ And he divided his property between them. Not many days later, the younger son gathered all he had and took a journey into a far country, and there he squandered his property in reckless living. And when he had spent everything, a severe famine arose in that country, and he began to be in need. So he went and hired himself out to one of the citizens of that country, who sent him into his fields to feed pigs. And he was longing to be fed with the pods that the pigs ate, and no one gave him anything.
“But when he came to himself, he said, ‘How many of my father's hired servants have more than enough bread, but I perish here with hunger! I will arise and go to my father, and I will say to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Treat me as one of your hired servants.”’ And he arose and came to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him. And the son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’ But the father said to his servants, ‘Bring quickly the best robe, and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet. And bring the fattened calf and kill it, and let us eat and celebrate. For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found.’ And they began to celebrate.
“Now his older son was in the field, and as he came and drew near to the house, he heard music and dancing. And he called one of the servants and asked what these things meant. And he said to him, ‘Your brother has come, and your father has killed the fattened calf, because he has received him back safe and sound.’ But he was angry and refused to go in. His father came out and entreated him, but he answered his father, ‘Look, these many years I have served you, and I never disobeyed your command, yet you never gave me a young goat, that I might celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours came, who has devoured your property with prostitutes, you killed the fattened calf for him!’ And he said to him, ‘Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours. It was fitting to celebrate and be glad, for this your brother was dead, and is alive; he was lost, and is found.’”

We covered this in our Discipleship discussion this week. I've heard the story many times and read it several times. It never occurred to me what it meant. I AM the Prodigal Son!!!! So are you! We hurt God over and over again, running from Him, and then trying to "make a deal" with Him when we are hitting rock bottom. He loves us throughout it all, and is still there, waiting on us to turn back to Him. We didn't get it, so He ran after us, by sending His Son to take our sins because we couldn't do it on our own. Then He celebrates when we finally get it and come back to Him, seeking His forgiveness. How unbelievably awesome is our God? Even when we turn away, He still loves us and does what only He can to bring us back to Him.

So are you still running away from Him? Are you trying to do it all on your own, hiding yourself and medicating your spiritual illness? Then please turn around. Ask Him for forgiveness, and tell Him you realize you can't do it without Him. Ask Him to take over your life, and make you well again. He can and will help you. He loves you!!!

Obedience

I have learned not to say "I can't...." or  "I could never.......". That's just asking for it. In fact, that's how this blog came about. I said I couldn't, and totally discounted that He can and will. So here we are. I'm writing a blog.

Last week, He told me to write more. He gave me an idea and reminded me of the things I used to dream about that I thought I couldn't do. When I was a teenager I wanted to be a writer. Then I became a mom at the ripe old age of seventeen, and all my wants flew out the window. Once upon a time, I thought, "Wouldn't it be cool if I was a proofreader? Then I would get paid to read books!!!" Which I suppose I should tell you, I read a lot. I mean, a lot. Freakishly fast, my husband has said. So I thought that was a good dream, but reality set in and I worked for a living to support my sweet daughter and myself. He reminded me of all these things, and told me He was giving me my heart's desire. 

So.... what do you do when God gives you your heart's desire? You do it. You ignore the enemy's grating voice and trust in your Savior. And believe me, the enemy can be oh so annoying. He's been on us this week. He's also been on our entire community group, as we are gearing up to do a new Bible study based on a recent movie about fathers. It's been constant ongoing attack all the way around. It gets old, but we have God on our side, so there is no way he can win, and no way we will let him. It seems to me one of his favorite forms of attack is the "you can't....." or "you are not...." statements. Those are the ones he hits me with the most. For you it may be something different.

Job 36:11 says "If they obey and serve Him, they shall spend their days in prosperity and their years in pleasantness and joy." I want that! I could really care less about the prosperity part, as I only want what we need. The pleasantness and joy, though, that sounds awesome. I think the years in pleasantness and joy must mean heaven. Heaven to me is my reward for seeking my Savior and asking Him to forgive my sins, and then living out the rest of my days seeking His will for my life. I can't wait! But while I am here on earth, I will obey Him. Therefore, I am writing a book. I am ignoring the enemy who is trying to tell me it's a good dream, but you can't do it. I am listening to Jesus, who said that I can and that He will. He will guide my words and thoughts, and help me to write something for His glory. It doesn't matter to me if no one but a few friends read it. What matters is that I am writing in obedience and He will bless that. He is who I live for. 

He has also been reminding me of some other things He wants me to do, like contact my biological father. I realized through prayer this week, that while I have forgiven him for some things, I hadn't forgiven him for everything. That's direct disobedience, because it is written in several places that we are to forgive. Ouch. So this week, maybe even tonight, I will write to my biological dad and ask for forgiveness. I have already asked my Heavenly Father to forgive me for this, but I feel I must ask it of my earthly father as well. 

Are you obeying what our Heavenly Father is asking of you? Or are you listening to the enemy and his "You can't....." statements? If you have the tiniest bit of doubt, then I would say you should probably pray. Then sit back and listen to what Jesus tells you. Sometimes it's in the quietest whisper, and others it's in the loudest shout. He will answer though. Be prepared to follow through, because when He asks you to do something, it is for your best and for His glory. You should also be prepared for the attacks, because they will come. When they do, pray. Pray for protection, for the banishment of the enemy from your world, and for God's Will to be done in your life. Pray for His glory, not your own. Just pray. You will be amazed at what happens. And who knows? You might end up doing something you forgot you wanted to do!

When bad stuff happens...

You know, sometimes bad stuff happens to people. Bad stuff happened to me. For the sake of those involved, I won't go into what it was. Let's just say it happened, and it was awful, and afterwards I made some insanely wrong choices. Things that, looking back on my life now, I can't believe I did.

I have known for some time that God was going to be using my story. I just wasn't sure how. I forgave those who harmed me years ago, but didn't really understand forgiveness until three years ago when our church went through a Bible study called Draw Near. The forgiveness week really opened my eyes to what it really was, and that it was ok to be mad sometimes. I also realized that sometimes, you have to forgive yourself as well as others. This was a hard concept for me. I am my own worst critic. The next year, we went through Life's Hurts, Habits and Hangups. I realized that there was still stuff I needed to deal with. So I did. Prayer is a very powerful thing (in case you haven't gotten that from my previous posts!) and God responds in amazing ways when we pray. Sometimes it's not exactly the answer we want, but when it comes to forgiveness, He does listen and He does respond. Throughout all of this, I knew He was gearing me up for something big.

I do have to admit that for a while now, and at times rather impatiently, I've wondered what the "something big" was going to be. Honestly, I'm still not sure. I do know that it is closer now than it has ever been. In the last few weeks, I have had many opportunities to share my story. At times just a tiny part... at others the whole awful thing. The harm done, the bad choices I made because of the harm, and the most important thing of all...... how God has redeemed me, and taken me to a place of such peace and love that I feel beautiful and wonderfully made. He has shown me through my life what the following scriptures mean:

Romans 8:28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

I know that in ALL things, He has a plan to give me hope and a future. He can use my weaknesses to showcase His power. When He does, it is beyond awesome! In sharing my story over the last few weeks, those I spoke to were amazed that the woman standing before them was the woman who had been through so much and made so many mistakes. I used alcohol, sex, and numerous drugs to medicate myself and numb the pain that I had. I used people. I was not the "nice girl" I was known as. It was a lie. I didn't think anyone, especially God, would want to know the "real me" because she was messed up. I believed a lie. A lie told to me by the enemy that I accepted hook, line and sinker.

It has taken many years for me to know what is a lie and what is truth. The truth is, Jesus LOVES me. Me. All of me.... the good, the bad, and everything in between. He can use me and my weaknesses to show people that you can come back to Him, no matter how awful you think you were or how much you don't "deserve" His love. He died on the cross for our sins, because He LOVES us. You. Me. All of us... the good, the bad, and everything in between. He WILL forgive us for our sins, if we just ask Him.

We all have a story to tell. He can use our stories in so many ways. He can use us in so many ways. For me, it has started out small. I'm about to take a big step that I have a feeling will lead to sharing in a really big, scary for me, way. However, I know that if that is where He is leading me, then it will be awesome and He will be beside me every step of the way. I also know that He has put some pretty amazing people in my life to support me and remind me of His LOVE if I forget. Or maybe when I forget. Cause let's face it. The enemy doesn't want us to know that Jesus loves us and that He wants us. He'd rather remind us of our faults and failings and try to separate us from Jesus' love. He will attack us with everything he can, and when that happens, I know I can call on my prayer warriors to help me pray. I know that all I have to do is cry, "Abba, Father" and He will be there.

So what's your story? How can He use it to further His kingdom? Don't be afraid to ask Him. Trust that He knows what He's laid before you and just how awesome that path is going to be......

Romans 8:28 Day

You know those days.... the one where you find out a good friend's husband lost his job. The one where the young lady you are mentoring decides to change her situation, and not in a good way. The one where another good friend sends a text saying she lost her baby. The one where your sister in law calls to tell you your 2 1/2 year old nephew is being flown to the Children's Hospital because he's sicker than they thought and his kidneys are failing. Yeah.... those days.

Those days that are so hard, you ask the Why? question. You know, the one you aren't supposed to ask but can't seem to help yourself? We all know we are supposed to ask What? instead, but some days it's hard to remember that. Sometimes things happen that hurt so much, we can't do anything other than cry. I call those Romans 8:28 days.

Romans 8:28 says "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." (ESV)

This is a scripture that just speaks to me. He can work ALL things together for good for His people. When I'm having one of those days where I just want to cry for the hurt and pain and suffering going on around me, and even in me, I lean heavily on this scripture. He's in control... all we have to do is lean on Him, and He will take care of everything.

Most times, we don't know how He's going to work it together for good. Some things are so awful, it just doesn't seem possible that something good can come out of the situation. But He can and He will.

That friend who lost her baby? She's pregnant again and expecting a sweet baby girl the first of next month. My nephew? He's still in the hospital, and I've cried every day since I talked to his mom. However, we're already seeing the good. There are people all over the WORLD praying for that sweet baby, and there have been answered prayers already. I know God is in control of his situation, and when it's all said and done, his story is going to be amazing. The other two situations I cited? Well, they haven't been resolved for good yet, but I trust with all my heart that He will and already is at work on them.

So if you find yourself having one of those days.... pray. Even if you don't have the words, pray. Ask your friends and family for prayer. If they are anything like the people I have in my life, they will be glad to. Maybe even honored that you love and trust them enough to ask them. Then get ready. He's going to do something awesome. You may not know what it is until you look back on to the situation, but you will see it. And you will be AMAZED!


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Speaking of prayer, please keep the people I spoke of in yours. All the situations are different, but they all need the same thing. Prayer.