Rescue

So I've been laying back there in bed, trying to go to sleep and my mind just won't shut off. It's good stuff, after a very hard few days. Or months, depending on who's counting. Anyway you look at it, it's been hard. I've learned some difficult things about myself and where I am on this journey. It seems just as I think I'm getting a handle on things, life hits me. Hard. Right in the gut. And I am taken by surprise...

(You're laughing, aren't you? I know, I know.. I shouldn't be so presumptuous and BOASTFUL as to think I have this all figured out. I shouldn't expect things to get easy just cause I THINK I know what He wants. I shouldn't assume I'm going to fall under the enemy's radar just because I'm not out and about... Ouch. I totally messed that one up, didn't I? That hurts, on top of my hurt. Awesome.. When will I learn? Hopefully this time, but let's face it. I keep messing up. I don't learn my lesson and He gives me grace and I feel terrible because I KNOW what I should do, but I never seem to get it right. And He gives me grace.....)

This has been one of those situations. I've had another post in the works for a few days now. It's not finished, because frankly, I haven't felt like finishing it. I haven't felt like myself lately and only just realized this weekend how very unlike myself I've felt. I've been a shell of myself... as my wonderful thankfully FORGIVING husband lovingly said, "I've missed you, which sounds weird, since you've been right here. You're here, but my wife is not." Wow. Talk about a heart-wrenching, eye-opening statement. The thing is, I've felt weird. I've felt off... emotionally unstable. Not in a dangerous way, just in a you-don't-wanna-be-around-me and I-DEFINITELY-don't-wanna-be-around-you way. And if I'm being honest with myself, I thought I was doing a pretty good job of hiding the fact that I don't feel like me. I'm not that person. I love my family and my friends, I want them around, I want to love and nurture and feed and hang out with them. I haven't felt like myself... for a while. I'm honestly not sure how long. It wasn't a switch, like I was here yesterday, but gone today. It was a gradual losing of myself. A slow trickling of joy quietly eking out of our day to day life, and I didn't notice it. Not at first. It's taken a long while. And while I tried to hide it, to fight it, I couldn't and instead went into the blame game...

I blamed it on a lot of things... we've been snowed in, a LOT. We've been sick, a LOT. Holidays, snow, puke, snot... all these things can eat away at a momma's joy, but usually we can handle it. It's what we do. We find joy in the day to day moments. Those little laughs throughout the day, the funny expressions or statements, the things that make you glad to be a parent. Lately, though, I've been struggling. I've been negative, nasty, snippy, and sad... to the extremes. But I didn't really notice. I put it off as this or that. I ignored little signs that should've told me something was wrong. I blamed others (my sweet forgiving husband, have I mentioned that already?) for my reactions. And that....  I reacted instead of responded (why is it always that? I really need to stop doing that... I know better! You're shaking you're head now, aren't you? Sigh... I know.) . I let the icky nasty Mel out and stuffed the normal Mel away and kinda didn't notice until this weekend. So, basically.....

I let the enemy win.

Sort of. For a bit. But see, I have good friends and a husband who love me enough to say hey... what's going on? A husband who listens, talks and prays with me through my issues, and shows me Jesus instead of  giving up on me. Friends who respond to the call of I need prayer and I can't explain what's going on in my head, and understand what I need when I don't. Friends who show me Jesus and speak truth into my life when I am faltering badly. I also have Papa... who knew what I needed exactly when I needed it.

You see, throughout all of this, I've never felt disconnected from Him. I've felt His Presence constantly, and while He hasn't answered the way I hoped, He did answer. He reminded me that He is with me always, hearing my pleas, answering my prayers, guiding me through this life. He showed me that even when I am in the deepest, darkest pit, He's right there, waiting to pull me out of it, if I will just grab on to Him. And when I'm not getting it, when my own agendas and ideas and thoughts are blocking out His message to me, He sends in this special, loving team to guide me back to His peace, His love, and His grace.

Tonight, He sent that team. They sat with me and Ben and talked with us about what was going on. They offered insight and truth that I hadn't considered, Words that Papa wanted us to hear. They prayed over us and showed us how much we are loved. They took time out of their day to love on me, who felt like an icky nasty failure. They Loved us through it. 

Tonight, I sit before you, feeling a little more like me... Like someone loved by God, saved by Jesus, and led by the Holy Spirit. Not perfect, but patient. Not healed, but healing. Not lost, but saved. Not of my own volition, but His. Because His Love for me (and YOU!!!!!) is greater than anything I can imagine, anything this sinful world can offer, and anything the enemy can throw at us.

Anything.



Even to your old age and gray hairs
    I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
    I will sustain you and I will rescue you.
 ~Isaiah 46:4