The opal in my engagement ring is cracked. I haven't worn it or my wrap around band in many months, and I have missed it. I took it off to prevent losing the stone, but we haven't had the funds to fix it for a while now. Ben pulled it out a few days ago and put it on my finger. As I've worn it, it's felt like a familiar weight. Something I missed that I didn't even realize how much I missed it. The stone is cracked and could fall out at any time. It's to that point that if I continue to wear it, the pieces will be lost.
This is what I feel like lately, in where I find myself as I follow Christ. I am cracked, and I miss myself sometimes. I am praying to prevent losing myself, but we don't have the funds to fix the physical problem right now. The recent events of Shelley getting sick and before that-- my support team stepping up to pull me out of the pit-- have done that very thing, pulled me out of the pit and put me back on solid ground. As I've felt that solid ground, it's felt familiar, and I've felt like my old self again.. happy, joyful even in the midst of chaos, loved. Things that I didn't even realize how much I had missed. I am cracked and could fall apart at any time. I'm to the point that if that happens, I feel as if I would be lost.
But there's beauty in all of this.
I've taken off the engagement ring and put it in safe keeping, but I missed the weight of this ring and this promise it represents. The constant reminder that I am not alone in this. No matter what I'm going through, God is right there, and He has given me this wonderful man to hold me and comfort me when I need it most. Ben is the reminder of how God Himself loves us all. He gave us this beautiful relationship, full of twists and turns and ups and downs, that He uses to remind us of how He loves us perfectly.
Ben and I on our own, well.... we are a mess. We are human. We've been together almost ten years (in 11 days, but who's counting, hehe?!?), and you learn a lot about each other in that time. We know which buttons to push to start a fight, which buttons to push to cause laughter. We know what drives each other crazy, and we know what to do when the other needs comfort. We can't love each other perfectly, because we are imperfect people. We are going to mess up. We are going to have bad days, and bad weeks, and maybe even bad years. We are going to have moments where it's going to be hard to love each other. We will have others where we will fall more in love and closer to a slightly more "perfect" relationship. Some days we are cheesy to most cheese-tastically cheesiest. Others... no one wants to be around for those moments. No, he's not perfect, just like I'm not perfect. However, God is.
There's the beauty in this... A Papa who loves us so much, that with Him as the center of our concentration, our marriage gets better. In putting our personal relationships with Him first, we no longer want to put the other or even worse, ourselves, on the pedestal. Even in moments where one or the other of us is faltering, He is there, guiding the other in prayer and care even while helping the one in the pit. His Spirit prompts us to show grace and love, to understand what the other is going through. He takes the broken moments and shows us His influence on our lives and how His plan is always best. We might not always understand the how or why, but we will look back and see the beauty in the cracks.
So while it may not be stylish to wear a wrap wedding band without the engagement ring, I don't care. I am proudly wearing it, as it is a visible, physical reminder of God's grace and mercy. We've been together ten wonderful bumpy years, and He's been there through it all. Even when we weren't asking Him to be there guiding us, He was there. In the ups, in the downs, in the twists and turns... He was always there. He loves us.. me with my messy, Ben with his, and us with each other's. And if He wants to use our messiness to showcase His love and mercy, then let it be. His will and plan are always better than mine. He's really been teaching me a lot in the little things within my relationships lately. He's in the details just as much as He's in the big picture. There is nothing He leaves in the dark.. There's nothing He can't turn to light.
Isaiah 60: 1-2 says:
Arise, shine, for your light has come,
and the glory of the Lord has risen upon you.
For behold, darkness shall cover the earth,
and thick darkness the peoples;
but the Lord will arise upon you,
and his glory will be seen upon you.
Arise. Shine. Trust. Be broken. Seek your relationship with Him and see what it does in your other relationships. Let Him show you how to love everyone, like He loves. Let His glory be seen upon you!
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