Man life has really been kicking my butt lately. It seems like I'm not just leaning on God, I'm hanging on for dear life. There's been great things come of it, but I am tired.
I've been crying since yesterday afternoon. You see, a few weeks ago, our landlord told us we had to get rid of our two dogs, Irish and Liddel. I'm one of those people who absolutely love our animals. They are family to us, and this was just not something I wanted to do. We prayed and prayed and looked at houses and told God we were willing to do whatever He wanted. Even if it meant moving into a subdivision. Not to cut subdivisions, but I'm a country girl. I like trees and wide open spaces and for my kids to be able to run and play at will. Most subdivisions are too close together, but I know they have their benefits too, so I was willing. I hate moving, dread it with a passion, but I was willing.
I was CERTAIN that God wouldn't want us to give up our babies, but I knew that we could call Ben's brother and sister, and that they would take Liddel back no questions asked. They raised her from a wee little puppy. She was the runt of the litter and the momma didn't want to take care of her. They bottle fed her and loved her and raised her to be this adorably sweet, feisty alpha dog. She's a whopping 1.6 pound chihuahua terrier mix. Irish is a funny dog. She's a Peruvian hairless, but was a recessive throwback and has the softest, most beautiful coat, mostly black and blond. If you've never seen a peruvian hairless, Google it. It's the funniest looking dog you've ever seen! Irish, though, is beautiful. She's already in the 30-35 pound range, at only eight months old. She's tall and lean, like a greyhound, but resembles a German shepherd. She's fast and sweet and smart, but stubborn. They made a very cute, slightly strange team.
Yesterday, Irish stepped on Liddel. They play all the time and Liddel usually bosses Irish around, but yesterday they had a misstep. Liddel was hurt and needed to go to the vet. As I drove to the vet, I prayed, "Your Will, not mine. Whatever is the plan, I am with You." I knew this was headed in a direction I didn't want. We got to the vet and they suggested an x-ray, because her leg or hip might be broken. Uhm, that's not in the budget folks. I accepted the pain meds and the directives that she must be kept calm and quiet. Yeah, that's not possible at my house. My heart continued to sink. I paid a bill we couldn't exactly afford and left the office. I lost it. I knew I had to call Todd and Angie.
I cried the whole way home. As I drove, I listened to our local Christian radio station. I had noticed when I was headed to the vet that the songs were exactly what I needed to hear, but on the way home, it was unreal. The songs were ones that mentioned "there will come a day with no more tears" and "cry out to Jesus" and "in my failures You won't walk out". I was blown away and cried even harder. Here I was, upset, crying and yes, mad that this was the answer we had been waiting on. And here He is, showing me His promises are always truth. He will lead us. He will guide us. His ways are best. Even when we don't understand them. I called Todd and rather tearfully explained what was going on, and he had Angie call me. Of course they will take her back and love her and take care of her and nurse her back to health. They love her too, and understand that my heart is breaking. We made arrangements for them to come today.
I took Liddel this morning to see a very sweet special friend who did the x-ray for us. She confirmed our hopes and not our fears.. she was only bruised and sprained, not broken. She will be well in a few days. I headed home and took a nap while I waited on the call from Angie. They came this afternoon and picked her up. She was so excited to see them. I'm happy for her, but I am terribly sad. After she left, I called Shelley and told her she had left and that we were making decisions about Irish, too. When I saw my friend this morning, we discussed options to find her a good home who would love her and continue to teach her and let her grow into the awesome dog we know she's going to be. Shelley and I talked about how sad I was and how the kids were handling it, which was surprisingly well... better than me actually! We hung up and I cried a little more. (I've been crying off and on all day.) A few minutes later, she called me back to say she, her dad and especially her roommate, wanted Irish to come live with them! Irish and Jacob, Shel's roommate, have a special bond. She listens to him even when she won't listen to me. Now Irish is staying in the family too, and we will get to see her anytime we want as well. Both of our babies are going to be well taken care of.
This was not the answer I wanted. I wanted my cake and to eat it too, to be honest. I wanted to not have to move and to keep our babies. That's not feasible and that isn't in His plan. This is, and I have to be okay with it. Not only do I have to be okay with it, I have to trust Him that this IS the best plan. I have to know that He is guiding us to the places He wants us, to bring us closer to Him. I have to obey.
But....
I can cry. I can be sad. Nowhere does it say we can't have emotions while following Him. He knows we have them... He gave them to us. I can feel what I'm feeling for a little while. I don't have to feel silly for being upset about this. I don't have to feel guilty either. Both of those are from the enemy, not from God. He loves me, and He hurts for me, but He knows His plan. I don't. There's a reason they don't fit into the plan right now.
And that's okay. I'm okay. Cause His ways are always better. Even when it hurts. On the other side, I will be stronger and closer to Him. Right now, I get to learn a valuable lesson in Trust, Love, and Obedience. For that, I thank Him.
For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
~Isaiah 55:8-9
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