Transparency and Truth, pt 2

So I know titling these part one and two is going to be a bit confusing, seeing as how this one is going to go in a slightly different path. That's how this works for me though. He gives me an idea, and we bat it back and forth as He shows me what He wants me to know. And I'll admit it. I'm stubborn, and don't always listen... or always want to listen. This is one of those times. He's given me some hard truths lately. Things I didn't want to know about myself, and I sure as heck didn't want to deal with them. Ugh. Can we just bypass this part of the growth thing and go on to better, more fun times??? Please?

And that's where I've been lately. In a funk. I wrote this two weeks ago:

Transparency and Truth... these are thoughts in my head tonight. It's been a rough week, and if I'm being honest with myself as well, it's been rough for a while now. Spiritually there's been growth, but I've felt this blockage for a while and have been struggling with it. Physically, it's been the dumps, and I've been in the dumps. Emotionally, there's been a veil of sorts... Not there all the time, but at times... almost a numbness of sorts. It's been strange and I've been strange.

Two weeks ago. I've had some awesome stuff happen these last two weeks. I've written more than I have all year. I've been feeling better, sort of. If you disregard that cold I got that keeps hanging on and the stomach bug that kept everyone home this week. Our daughter Alaia, turned 8 and made an amazing dinner with daddy for our first ever, "Birthday Chef" birthday event. Ben taught two awesome sermons, and we got a preview of The Fringe worship team. They were awesome too, and we are so excited for the future! We got the Word that adoption is in our future... The future looks awesome.

But right now? Right now I'm struggling. I'm clinging to Him in desperation, because I'm finding it hard to hang on. I was just starting to feel better... less pain in my body and more energy, something I hadn't felt in a while. Bam. I got knocked on my butt by a cold. Just beginning to get over that and Whap! Stomach bug. (And add to that the Mom of the Year award for sending my kids to school on Tuesday, thinking they were better, only to have them puking right along with me that very night. Awesome.) Ben and I have reconnected on a spiritual level in the last two weeks. Something we were both missing very much. Tonight was the first night we've gotten to talk since Sunday, and that was spotty because of puking kiddo number one. I want a clean, organized house. He's told me to do it. Around here, though, it's seriously two steps forward, three back. Just when I think I've got it, it slips away again and I'm surrounded by chaos. I keep trying to quit smoking.. I will think this is the time, this is it, I'm done, and boom.... I'm trying to be healthy and it's hard.

Do you see the problem in all of that? I... I.. I. I am the problem. I want to be in control SOOOO BAD!!!! It's a sickness. It's the enemy. It's sin. It's sin eating away at me, and the enemy poking his little stick at it and stirring it up and stirring me up into a mess of control seeking chaos. And telling myself that it's ok that I want control of this, I should take care of this because it's a little thing. And besides, I gave Him the church, didn't I? Oh and moving.. gave Him that one too. And definitely our future son, cause there's no way we could do that without Him... He's the one who told us we were doing that in the first place. So yeah, I'm gonna handle this one, OK? I've got it under contr.... Oh wait....

Romans 7: 18-19 says: For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing.  

Yeah. The truth is, I can't get it under control. Everything I try to handle on my own turns out wrong. When I let go of things, they work out. Each and every time.. Not because I'm in control, but because He's in control. He gave us the Holy Spirit to guide us. Even when we are unable to speak, the Spirit can speak for us..

Romans 8:26 says: Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.


Over the last few days, the Spirit has been interceding for me, and has been showing me that He is. I've had people give me hope and love. I've had articles posted on facebook that spoke directly to some things on my heart. I've been in talks with Him more than usual. I've had friends and sistas text and call and just say hey, I love you. He's been showing me His love all around me. He knew what I needed, even if I didn't.

Matthew 6: 25-34: “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Ok, ok. ok... I get it!  No... I do actually love it when He shows me in the Bible where He's made a promise. He's been in charge for a lot longer than I've even dreamed of being in existence. I have to let go. He's got this. I don't have to maintain that white knuckled control I try to keep, even when I don't realize I'm trying to keep it. I have to take "me" out of it and let Him do what He's doing.

Sigh... I would love to say, eureka, I've got it, I can do this. But let's be realistic. I'm still a messy ol selfish sinner.... no matter how hard I try to change, I'm gonna mess up. The truth is, He knows that too. He knows we can't do it without Him. That's why He sent Jesus and the Holy Spirit. We are a sinful mess, folks, and He loves us so much He gives us grace...

2 Corinthians, 12:9... one of my favorites:  But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

So I'm boasting yall... I'm weak, I mess up... I get angry, I get sad, I get in a funk. I make mistakes on a daily basis, and sometimes I just don't feel like being happy. When you see me like that, pray for me. Point me back in the right direction. Remind me that His grace is sufficient, and His power is made perfect in my weakness...  And I promise, if I see you in the same boat, I'll do the same for you.. We will weather this storm together :)