Givers...

I was listening to the radio on the way to the store a couple of weeks ago.  Ben had it on one of the talk radio stations he listens to. The pastor was talking about the gift of giving. Then over the course of a few hours, Papa has prompted me with scriptures about the gift of giving and pointed out that He's given us that gift.

Scriptures like:

Hebrews 13:16- Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God.

2 Corinthians 9:7- Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.

1 John 3:17- But if anyone has the world's goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God's love abide in him?

Acts 20:35- In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’”

Those are just a few examples of what He says to us in the Bible. How can I read His Word and not do what He says? There are so many verses in the Bible about giving... to the needy, to the poor, to the widows and children. There are also verses that admonish you for not giving generously and cheerfully.. for being stingy or grudgingly giving (you know, "if I have to" or "well if no one else will" or "I guess I can...."  and you really have to say that in Eeyore's ho hum, life is awful voice to get the full intent). It all boils down to love. Love Papa and love His people. Love us. Love you. Love them. Love by giving.. of yourself, your time, your money, your stuff, your whatever that He calls you to share. It all comes back to love.  

He's blessed us in so many ways, so many times, using so many different people. It's amazing to experience it. You see, usually we are the ones needing help. Since we started down the path of asking God to lead us, we've been on a slick, slippery slope of "financial disaster". At this point in the story, I like to call it "learning to trust God is good ALL the time".  Ben lost his job, the new one fell through, he went on unemployment for two years while going to school and doing whatever odd jobs he could find. At the same time I was led to quit my 40 hour week job to stay home and get closer to God and get well. Throw in repossession, foreclosure, credit's out the window and on and on and on I could go. It's been a mess. But throughout the ups and downs, we've been blessed by givers.  I look around my house and I see a story of love. The living room furniture, the dining room table, the beds, the cool cabinet in my kitchen, the dresser in our room... almost everything in our house was given to us. Everywhere I turn, I see an example of God's love.

I know some of you may be shaking your head right about now and are thinking that I'm talking about materialistic stuff and all that, but that's not what I'm getting at.... I'm talking about people, God's people. People around us who saw a need, could meet that need, and did. People in our lives who loved us in the lowest of lows and rejoiced with us in the highest of highs.  They listened to the prompting of the Spirit and provided for us. We've had food show up on days we were running out. Clothes or shoes given to us, about the time we realize the kids have hit a growth spurt. Little needs, big needs, financial needs, emotional needs.... All being met by a loving Savior who prompts loving givers. They were there, they cared, and they obeyed Him. We've made it through an awful lot by the grace of God and His givers. Every slip and slide down that slope led us closer and closer to Him. Why did so many people help us?

Out of love. Not out of a sense of have-to or guilt or showing off, but out of love. 

As I've been on this journey of eliminating the excess in my life, instead of selling all our crap,  He's had me giving away. Most of the time, it's been joyfully and generously.  I would dearly love to say all the time, but by now I'm sure you know that I'm real and really messy.  As He is cleaning me up and cleaning out all my clutter and trash, He's got me cleaning up the clutter and trash in my material world. I still have moments with small things, like clothes or that one thing that so-and-so gave me, that find me seriously wanting to stomp my foot and say, "no, I don't want to do this." But then  He pokes me, or whispers to me, or even at times yells at me to see what it is that I'm doing: holding up the progress.

We can't get to the end result without going through the elimination process.

If I'm stomping my foot and pouting instead of being generous and cheerful, I'm saying I don't want what He wants for me. I want what I want. I don't want to obey. I want that "perfect" life where everything goes my way and I never have to want for anything or have anyone tell me what I can and can't do. I don't want to love like He loves... I don't want to experience Him.

Sigh...... I don't want to be that person. Most of the time I'm not. We gave away something this week that could've been sold to make our financial worldly lives a little better. Then I caught myself today trying to hang onto clothes that I don't need in a last ditch effort to maintain some control of my life.

I have to let go. I have to obey. I have to listen to what He's telling me, learn the lesson and get ready for the next step in this journey. I have to trust that He knows what is best for me. I have to know that His leading me to give or receive always comes with it's own special blessing. I have to believe in Love. I have to believe in His love. I have to believe in Him.

Even better? I GET to do all these things, because He loves us. It's not a have to... it's a get to, a want to.. It's experiencing everything He has in store for us, one moment of trust at a time. It's giving of myself, whatever the request may be. And it is always, always good.

Rescue

So I've been laying back there in bed, trying to go to sleep and my mind just won't shut off. It's good stuff, after a very hard few days. Or months, depending on who's counting. Anyway you look at it, it's been hard. I've learned some difficult things about myself and where I am on this journey. It seems just as I think I'm getting a handle on things, life hits me. Hard. Right in the gut. And I am taken by surprise...

(You're laughing, aren't you? I know, I know.. I shouldn't be so presumptuous and BOASTFUL as to think I have this all figured out. I shouldn't expect things to get easy just cause I THINK I know what He wants. I shouldn't assume I'm going to fall under the enemy's radar just because I'm not out and about... Ouch. I totally messed that one up, didn't I? That hurts, on top of my hurt. Awesome.. When will I learn? Hopefully this time, but let's face it. I keep messing up. I don't learn my lesson and He gives me grace and I feel terrible because I KNOW what I should do, but I never seem to get it right. And He gives me grace.....)

This has been one of those situations. I've had another post in the works for a few days now. It's not finished, because frankly, I haven't felt like finishing it. I haven't felt like myself lately and only just realized this weekend how very unlike myself I've felt. I've been a shell of myself... as my wonderful thankfully FORGIVING husband lovingly said, "I've missed you, which sounds weird, since you've been right here. You're here, but my wife is not." Wow. Talk about a heart-wrenching, eye-opening statement. The thing is, I've felt weird. I've felt off... emotionally unstable. Not in a dangerous way, just in a you-don't-wanna-be-around-me and I-DEFINITELY-don't-wanna-be-around-you way. And if I'm being honest with myself, I thought I was doing a pretty good job of hiding the fact that I don't feel like me. I'm not that person. I love my family and my friends, I want them around, I want to love and nurture and feed and hang out with them. I haven't felt like myself... for a while. I'm honestly not sure how long. It wasn't a switch, like I was here yesterday, but gone today. It was a gradual losing of myself. A slow trickling of joy quietly eking out of our day to day life, and I didn't notice it. Not at first. It's taken a long while. And while I tried to hide it, to fight it, I couldn't and instead went into the blame game...

I blamed it on a lot of things... we've been snowed in, a LOT. We've been sick, a LOT. Holidays, snow, puke, snot... all these things can eat away at a momma's joy, but usually we can handle it. It's what we do. We find joy in the day to day moments. Those little laughs throughout the day, the funny expressions or statements, the things that make you glad to be a parent. Lately, though, I've been struggling. I've been negative, nasty, snippy, and sad... to the extremes. But I didn't really notice. I put it off as this or that. I ignored little signs that should've told me something was wrong. I blamed others (my sweet forgiving husband, have I mentioned that already?) for my reactions. And that....  I reacted instead of responded (why is it always that? I really need to stop doing that... I know better! You're shaking you're head now, aren't you? Sigh... I know.) . I let the icky nasty Mel out and stuffed the normal Mel away and kinda didn't notice until this weekend. So, basically.....

I let the enemy win.

Sort of. For a bit. But see, I have good friends and a husband who love me enough to say hey... what's going on? A husband who listens, talks and prays with me through my issues, and shows me Jesus instead of  giving up on me. Friends who respond to the call of I need prayer and I can't explain what's going on in my head, and understand what I need when I don't. Friends who show me Jesus and speak truth into my life when I am faltering badly. I also have Papa... who knew what I needed exactly when I needed it.

You see, throughout all of this, I've never felt disconnected from Him. I've felt His Presence constantly, and while He hasn't answered the way I hoped, He did answer. He reminded me that He is with me always, hearing my pleas, answering my prayers, guiding me through this life. He showed me that even when I am in the deepest, darkest pit, He's right there, waiting to pull me out of it, if I will just grab on to Him. And when I'm not getting it, when my own agendas and ideas and thoughts are blocking out His message to me, He sends in this special, loving team to guide me back to His peace, His love, and His grace.

Tonight, He sent that team. They sat with me and Ben and talked with us about what was going on. They offered insight and truth that I hadn't considered, Words that Papa wanted us to hear. They prayed over us and showed us how much we are loved. They took time out of their day to love on me, who felt like an icky nasty failure. They Loved us through it. 

Tonight, I sit before you, feeling a little more like me... Like someone loved by God, saved by Jesus, and led by the Holy Spirit. Not perfect, but patient. Not healed, but healing. Not lost, but saved. Not of my own volition, but His. Because His Love for me (and YOU!!!!!) is greater than anything I can imagine, anything this sinful world can offer, and anything the enemy can throw at us.

Anything.



Even to your old age and gray hairs
    I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
    I will sustain you and I will rescue you.
 ~Isaiah 46:4

It all started with dog puke.

What a statement. What a way to kick off the new year.  See, Papa started something in me a few months ago... a purging of excess life. Excess in everything, being eliminated one step (and sometimes two and ten) at a time. This weekend, we started on my room. Dun, dun, dun....

Surely I'm not the only one who saves the bedroom for last. Last to be cleaned, organized, even thought about. I hate cleaning our room. No, that's not it, exactly. It's that there's so much chaos and clutter, I don't know where to start. There are random piles and boxes of stuff that we've been collecting and laundry that needs to be hung up and life... messy messy life that we live every day and can't seem to get a handle on. Our bedroom is the dumping ground for everything else we can't find a place for or don't have time to deal with. As a result, it's a big ol messy mess. Kinda like me.

"My bedroom is the perfect example of my life. Awesome.  Papa... I really didn't want to put that one together. I was pretty content just leaving it alone. Do we have to go there? Can't it wait just a bit longer? There's so much there. It's going to take forever to get through! I'm really not ready to go there... Ohhhhhhh-kay, if you insist."

And He did insist. We've been dancing around the bedroom for a couple of months now. He would whisper or nudge. I would find something else to work on, some other way to avoid. Something would always come up. Until.....

It all started with dog puke.

We have a six month old puppy, who likes to eat things she shouldn't, as six month old puppies do. Unfortunately she's a 30 some odd pound puppy, which means big pukes when whatever she has eaten doesn't agree with her stomach. Tons of fun, haha. Saturday was one of those days. Who knows what she ate, but it came back up. Five or six times... bleh. Not a fun way to start the day. Since I still looked like I'd been on a month long binge, I decided not to go to church. Ben left about two, and I was thinking about what I would do with the day. The kids were playing nicely for the first time in a few days. Hmmmm.... Then... that lovely sound.. Dog puke happening.

Puppies are like little kids, in that you can't convince them that there are alternative, more convenient places to puke. Like the bathroom, or outside. Or.. oh, no, not my bedroom... aw man. Come on. Gag!! Ok. Gag!!! No worries. Ugh...

Then Papa said..... Get busy. It's time.

Uhm.... what? Now? Ok. Well I guess I will start right here, with the dog puke and work my way out.  I started sorting and throwing away and hanging up. Vacuuming and dusting and eliminating all the excess. The kids were awesome, and even came in and helped some, but mostly stayed out of the way and happily played together. He started speaking to me throughout the eight hours or so we worked. WE worked. Not me and the kids, me and Papa...  For, as I worked on eliminating the excess in my room, He worked on eliminating the excess in my life. Showing me that all of this crap I've accumulated through years of just stuffing it aside to deal with later has to come back out at some point. It has to be dealt with. It has to be sorted into piles: worth keeping, clutter that can be given away, or trash that needs to be thrown out immediately.

Memories of good times and things/people that bring joy are worth keeping.  His instructions to us are worth keeping. The love He has brought us is worth keeping. This is the easy part. Seeking those treasures is exciting and makes us feel good. That's the part we don't mind doing. Clutter that can be given away are those relationships we've held onto that hurt us, the conversations we need to have that we avoid. Clutter like those inflicted hurts from people who may not know they hurt us. This is a little more difficult to do. Who wants to admit they are hanging on to something that they don't need, but want? Why would we even do that? Because it's comfortable, easy.

We hide behind the clutter, so that no one will see our trash.

We put up walls, erect monuments to hide our idols. If you see the clutter on the surface, then maybe you won't look deeper and see the trash. Papa is the King of breaking down walls and destroying our erected monuments of failure.

He goes right to the trash, and says.... See this? This is not from Me. This is something you've brought into the story, and it has to go. See that? I gave you that as a gift, but you have bastardized it, using it for your own glory and not Mine, as it was intended. And this little thing here that you are trying to hide from me? Silly child, don't you know, I see all? I know all. I know it's there. I know you don't think you can live without it, but I know that you can. I did not intend for this to be in your life. I want it gone, and I am cutting it out now. Yes, it's going to hurt. Yes, it will leave some scars. Those scars will remind you that I love you. They will heal, and when I am done, you will be the person I see. The you that you are meant to be. Trust me as I lead you to be the person I know you to be.

 I would love to say the room is all clean now, but there's still some work to be done. With me, it's a process. I tend to get overwhelmed if the project is too big. Sometimes I need things to move slowly in order for it to be most effective. This is something that drives me crazy about myself, but right now it's just clutter. I'm sure it'll become trash soon, and I'm sure there's some trash I missed (or avoided). But sooner or later, this will be a finished project. Sooner or later, I'll be able to look back at this and marvel at the lessons He taught me. For now, it's one step at a time. One day at a time. Hopefully next time, we won't have to wait on the dog puke, and I'll listen the first time He whispers to me.....




So where is He leading you? What's your bedroom? Are you willing to let Him tear down the walls and destroy your monuments? Don't be like me and wait for the dog puke. Talk to Him today and ask Him into your bedroom. Start sorting the piles, seek His love, find out what treasures He has in store for you....

Grace

I can't sleep. It's midnight, for the umpteenth day in a row. I don't know how many nights I've been struggling. I do know I look like a junkie who's been on a month long binge. Today I couldn't even have a short conversation without breaking down,  crying over absolutely nothing. The last couple of days, I've been filled with rage... Not towards someone or something, just angry. I have been trying to figure it all out. Why, when I have nothing to be mad or sad about, am I dramatically sad and mad? WHAT IS THIS?!?!?

Why is my flesh warring with me so badly? I get that we are cursed to have a week out of the month where things are just not fun, but that's never really been a thing for me. A movie might make me cry, or my kids might irritate me to no end, but I've never experienced the extremes I have in the last few weeks. And yeah, we quit smoking, but it's not bothering me. I haven't had a craving once, even when well-meaning friends offered to buy me a pack, thinking that was the problem. It's not, and that's a great thing... So what is it??? Why am I feeling so psycho crazy? What have I been missing?

I do know I have been surrounded by pain. I have friends whose grandma is fighting cancer. I have friends whose kids are sick. I have friends whose grandpa is having surgery. Friends who are loving on friends of theirs who lost their child, and friends loving on children who lost their parent. Friends who are struggling to make sense of divorce, job loss, illness, and death. Friends who are believers and friends who are not. Hurt and pain are not limited to one or the other. It falls on us all:

Matthew 5:45 says:  so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.


So how do you deal with the pain you are feeling, whether it's your own personal pain, or a sympathy/empathy for your friends? I feel my friends' pain, especially when I am weak. I feel helpless, because I know there is nothing in my power that I can do to help them. Not a thing. I can love them, and support them, but I can't help them. He is the only one who can. He is the only one. 

He knows what each of us are going through. He knows what each of us are feeling. He's going through it too, feeling it too. He hurts for what hurts us. He aches for what makes us ache. He knows all and sees all and experiences it all... And He feels it for all His children. Can you imagine what it must be like? To feel all the world's hurt, sin, anger, loss? I can't handle the hurt and pain in my own teeny tiny corner of the world!! Everything that you feel, everything that I feel, times everyone in this world.... All of it. He deals with it, and loves us anyway. 

Loves us, not because of all our crap. In SPITE of all our crap. Loves us, not because of something we do, but in SPITE of what we do. Think about that. Not because of, in spite of..... 
In spite of hate.
In spite of cruelty.
In spite of Lust. Gluttony. Idolatry. All the sins that are laid out in the Bible. Every single one. 

We do them all, every single day. 

Every. Single. Day. All of us. None of us are perfect. No, not one. Only Him.  Only He could not sin. Only He did not sin. He came, Himself because He knows we can't do it without Him. And He did it for all of our sins. Not yours. Not theirs. Ours. All of it. Because He loves us. Not me. Not you. All of us:  

Matthew 5:45 says:  so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.

That, my friends, is grace.  Shining on all of us. Raining on all of us, the just and the unjust. A beautiful, beautiful gift that we don't deserve, that He gives freely. All because of Love...

So Love Him. Love others. Share in their pain, share in their joy. Love Him more than anything, and let others see you loving Him. Let your life honor Him, even in the icky nasty parts. Let His Son shine through you, even in the rain.