Update, 2016: This post goes crazy about halfway through and I cannot fix it. It's one of those things that I can't control and therefore drive me crazy. If you are like that as well, I apologize. I have tried everything, including rewriting, to fix it. It's just going to drive us crazy. Those of you who can ignore it, bravo! It's a great message still, I believe. Especially given the changes in our world since then. Bless this world. Pray for your fellow man. We really need each other!
The other day, I had the best conversation I think I have ever had, with perfect strangers, in a tire shop of all places. We talked about things people don't typically talk about without going into knock-down, drag-out, kick 'em in the knee fights: Christianity, politics, parenting, and race. There were six of us. One man, two older white women, two older black women, and myself. It was awesome! No one got offended, no one got out of line. It was genuine conversation between strangers, bonding over the terrible things we were seeing on the news.
One thing has really stuck with me. We were watching a man lead a panel on race and all the problems that are going on in today's world. They pretty much all agreed that racial tension is worse today than it has been in the last several years. They all agreed that something should be done. Their solution?
We should be more tolerant.
Wait...... We should be more tolerant? That doesn't sound good. I looked it up. Tolerance is "the ability or willingness to accept something with forbearance, in particular the existence of opinions or behavior that one does not necessarily agree with." So, to me, tolerance is judging someone, finding them lacking, and saying: "There's something wrong with you, but I'm not going to say anything about it, at least not out loud. To you." Y'all... tolerance is judgment.
That's not love.
We are not called to tolerate one another. We are called to love each other.
John 13:34-35 “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”
That doesn't say, "TOLERATE one another. As I have TOLERATED you, so you must TOLERATE one another." It says LOVE. Love is what Jesus did. He showed us a very good example. Even in the midst of brutality and hatred, He LOVED. Even when one of those closest to Him betrayed Him, He LOVED. Even as that one kissed him on the cheek, He LOVED.
Even on the cross, He LOVED.
He loved, y'all. He didn't tolerate. The story would have been crazy different if He tolerated us instead of loved us. We know the story. We know He loves us. However, there is one who doesn't want us to know that. One who would love to deflect the truth and twist it into a lie of tolerance. So far, he's been very successful. We are actually telling people we need to tolerate instead of love.
Can you imagine a world filled with Truth and Love versus the world we have now, filled with Lies and Tolerance? Stop for a minute and think about that...
Your neighbor, who believes a certain something that you tolerate, but you really don't like it, or him? What would it look like if you loved him instead?
Your boss, who does this and that and it really bugs you... What would it look like if you loved her instead?
Your spouse, who repeatedly does that one thing you can't stand and irritates the heck out of you.... what if you loved him instead?
That family member, who says and does things you totally disagree with... what if you loved her instead?
The list can go on and on. I know you've thought of people you only tolerate as you've read this. We ALL do it. We all do it, and yet we say we don't. The enemy already uses every single thing he can to get to us and distract us from God. Do you really want to give him anymore ammunition?
If you have these relationships, pray about them. Ask God to show you how to truly LOVE. If you don't think you have these relationships, pray about that too. Ask Him to show you in which relationships you need to show love instead of tolerance.
He will help you. Know why? Because He loves you and everyone you know, too!!
Love each other. Love Him. Change the world, one relationship at a time.
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Monday, August 4, 2014
Pear Trees
Hey there... It's been a while, I know. There's been lots of learning and growing, but when it has come to writing, there have been crickets..... and birds, and frogs, and trees and mint and a million lovely things Papa has been speaking to me through, in this beautiful world around us.
It's been such a joy to be a part of. The journey of discovery He's taking me on has been echoed in everything around me. I'm learning what He wants me to learn just by slowing down and listening to Him. By appreciating the world He's created for us.
For example.....
There are the beautiful pear trees, that just take my breath away, especially those few short days when they are bursting forth with stinky beautiful white flowers. Yes, I said stinky. They are so gross. But the trees, oh the trees... They stand side by side, growing so close together that you can't tell where one begins and the other ends. Their silhouette, together, is that of a big, full abundant tree. To separate these trees would be to cut that beauty in half, leaving harsh scars and broken shape. There would no longer be beauty, only brokenness, and likely death.
They speak to me of what love and marriage should be. Two people, standing side by side, growing so close together that you can't tell where one begins and the other ends. Their silhouette together, that of a big, full abundant life. To separate them would leave harsh scars and brokenness... the beauty crushed. They must stand arm in arm, holding each other up. Their roots must be deep, reaching for the water that they need to survive. They also have branches that stretch and dance in the breeze, whipped in the rain. They sing a lovely song, with the leaves all chattering at once. The stages of the tree are lovely... that new neon green after a cold winter's nap, the burgeoning green as the leaves reach their full potential... the beautiful stinky flowers... the fall color slowly creeping in then disappearing all at once... the naked bare limbs, waiting on Spring's warmth to clothe them again.
Like the trees, marriage should be rooted.. in strong faith and a willingness to live out the commandment, given in Matthew 22, 36-40:
36 “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” 37 And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. 38 This is the great and first commandment. 39 And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. 40 On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.”
Like trees, we should reach for the Father, stretching towards Him. As the branches reach up, soaking up the light, so should we. When the wind blows through and the storms arise, we dance in rain, knowing it will soon pass.
John 8:12:
12 Again Jesus spoke to them, saying, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”
As we are rooted in darkness, we should be ever reaching for the Light.
Only the Light can keep us strong. Only the Light can grow us, even rooted in bad soil. As we reach for the Light, He teaches us to dig deep through the darkness to find the Living Water. Only He can show us where our roots should go. Only He can quiet our chattering hearts to hear His quiet answer.
I am Here.
I love you.
And if we are both listening... if we are both loving God, and loving each other... then we grow together. We reach toward God, leaning on each other, listening to His quiet answers and loving each other along the way. Growing toward the beautiful shape that is marriage, led by God. Holding each other up, dancing in the storms, stretching our arms always toward Him, and growing more beautiful each day.
However....
While the pear trees are beautiful, there are a few places that need to be cut back, in order to give strength to the rest of the trees. Some damage from the last storm harms the tree. This is the sin in our world. It steals the beauty that God created. Within our sick and twisted hearts, we think it is hidden, unable to be seen, but our Creator sees all. It's anger, pain, drugs, alcohol, porn, food... it's whatever keeps you from giving your entire heart to Him. It's whatever holds you back, keeps you from loving, keeps you from love. These are our selfish ways, causing us to be naked and broken, ashamed.
But... He.
He can cut it all away. It's going to hurt. It's probably going to be hard. But He will do it in a loving, this is for your own good kind of way, if you stand still and let Him do it. As your sins are cut away, He leaves you fresh, tender... no longer ashamed.
A new you... a new shape. If your marriage is like the pear trees, then your spouse is being trimmed too. As He cuts away the sin in both of you, He forms a new shape, more beautiful than before. As you love your spouse, as he loves you, as you both Love Jesus.... you grow together, cycling through the seasons of life, through the storms of the world. Reaching ever toward Papa, seeking the Living Water and leaning on each other in the process.
Loving, learning, obeying....
It's been such a joy to be a part of. The journey of discovery He's taking me on has been echoed in everything around me. I'm learning what He wants me to learn just by slowing down and listening to Him. By appreciating the world He's created for us.
For example.....
There are the beautiful pear trees, that just take my breath away, especially those few short days when they are bursting forth with stinky beautiful white flowers. Yes, I said stinky. They are so gross. But the trees, oh the trees... They stand side by side, growing so close together that you can't tell where one begins and the other ends. Their silhouette, together, is that of a big, full abundant tree. To separate these trees would be to cut that beauty in half, leaving harsh scars and broken shape. There would no longer be beauty, only brokenness, and likely death.
Like the trees, marriage should be rooted.. in strong faith and a willingness to live out the commandment, given in Matthew 22, 36-40:
36 “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” 37 And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. 38 This is the great and first commandment. 39 And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. 40 On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.”
Like trees, we should reach for the Father, stretching towards Him. As the branches reach up, soaking up the light, so should we. When the wind blows through and the storms arise, we dance in rain, knowing it will soon pass.
John 8:12:
12 Again Jesus spoke to them, saying, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”
As we are rooted in darkness, we should be ever reaching for the Light.
Only the Light can keep us strong. Only the Light can grow us, even rooted in bad soil. As we reach for the Light, He teaches us to dig deep through the darkness to find the Living Water. Only He can show us where our roots should go. Only He can quiet our chattering hearts to hear His quiet answer.
I am Here.
I love you.
And if we are both listening... if we are both loving God, and loving each other... then we grow together. We reach toward God, leaning on each other, listening to His quiet answers and loving each other along the way. Growing toward the beautiful shape that is marriage, led by God. Holding each other up, dancing in the storms, stretching our arms always toward Him, and growing more beautiful each day.
However....
While the pear trees are beautiful, there are a few places that need to be cut back, in order to give strength to the rest of the trees. Some damage from the last storm harms the tree. This is the sin in our world. It steals the beauty that God created. Within our sick and twisted hearts, we think it is hidden, unable to be seen, but our Creator sees all. It's anger, pain, drugs, alcohol, porn, food... it's whatever keeps you from giving your entire heart to Him. It's whatever holds you back, keeps you from loving, keeps you from love. These are our selfish ways, causing us to be naked and broken, ashamed.
But... He.
He can cut it all away. It's going to hurt. It's probably going to be hard. But He will do it in a loving, this is for your own good kind of way, if you stand still and let Him do it. As your sins are cut away, He leaves you fresh, tender... no longer ashamed.
A new you... a new shape. If your marriage is like the pear trees, then your spouse is being trimmed too. As He cuts away the sin in both of you, He forms a new shape, more beautiful than before. As you love your spouse, as he loves you, as you both Love Jesus.... you grow together, cycling through the seasons of life, through the storms of the world. Reaching ever toward Papa, seeking the Living Water and leaning on each other in the process.
Loving, learning, obeying....
Saturday, February 15, 2014
A Lesson
Man life has really been kicking my butt lately. It seems like I'm not just leaning on God, I'm hanging on for dear life. There's been great things come of it, but I am tired.
I've been crying since yesterday afternoon. You see, a few weeks ago, our landlord told us we had to get rid of our two dogs, Irish and Liddel. I'm one of those people who absolutely love our animals. They are family to us, and this was just not something I wanted to do. We prayed and prayed and looked at houses and told God we were willing to do whatever He wanted. Even if it meant moving into a subdivision. Not to cut subdivisions, but I'm a country girl. I like trees and wide open spaces and for my kids to be able to run and play at will. Most subdivisions are too close together, but I know they have their benefits too, so I was willing. I hate moving, dread it with a passion, but I was willing.
I was CERTAIN that God wouldn't want us to give up our babies, but I knew that we could call Ben's brother and sister, and that they would take Liddel back no questions asked. They raised her from a wee little puppy. She was the runt of the litter and the momma didn't want to take care of her. They bottle fed her and loved her and raised her to be this adorably sweet, feisty alpha dog. She's a whopping 1.6 pound chihuahua terrier mix. Irish is a funny dog. She's a Peruvian hairless, but was a recessive throwback and has the softest, most beautiful coat, mostly black and blond. If you've never seen a peruvian hairless, Google it. It's the funniest looking dog you've ever seen! Irish, though, is beautiful. She's already in the 30-35 pound range, at only eight months old. She's tall and lean, like a greyhound, but resembles a German shepherd. She's fast and sweet and smart, but stubborn. They made a very cute, slightly strange team.
Yesterday, Irish stepped on Liddel. They play all the time and Liddel usually bosses Irish around, but yesterday they had a misstep. Liddel was hurt and needed to go to the vet. As I drove to the vet, I prayed, "Your Will, not mine. Whatever is the plan, I am with You." I knew this was headed in a direction I didn't want. We got to the vet and they suggested an x-ray, because her leg or hip might be broken. Uhm, that's not in the budget folks. I accepted the pain meds and the directives that she must be kept calm and quiet. Yeah, that's not possible at my house. My heart continued to sink. I paid a bill we couldn't exactly afford and left the office. I lost it. I knew I had to call Todd and Angie.
I cried the whole way home. As I drove, I listened to our local Christian radio station. I had noticed when I was headed to the vet that the songs were exactly what I needed to hear, but on the way home, it was unreal. The songs were ones that mentioned "there will come a day with no more tears" and "cry out to Jesus" and "in my failures You won't walk out". I was blown away and cried even harder. Here I was, upset, crying and yes, mad that this was the answer we had been waiting on. And here He is, showing me His promises are always truth. He will lead us. He will guide us. His ways are best. Even when we don't understand them. I called Todd and rather tearfully explained what was going on, and he had Angie call me. Of course they will take her back and love her and take care of her and nurse her back to health. They love her too, and understand that my heart is breaking. We made arrangements for them to come today.
I took Liddel this morning to see a very sweet special friend who did the x-ray for us. She confirmed our hopes and not our fears.. she was only bruised and sprained, not broken. She will be well in a few days. I headed home and took a nap while I waited on the call from Angie. They came this afternoon and picked her up. She was so excited to see them. I'm happy for her, but I am terribly sad. After she left, I called Shelley and told her she had left and that we were making decisions about Irish, too. When I saw my friend this morning, we discussed options to find her a good home who would love her and continue to teach her and let her grow into the awesome dog we know she's going to be. Shelley and I talked about how sad I was and how the kids were handling it, which was surprisingly well... better than me actually! We hung up and I cried a little more. (I've been crying off and on all day.) A few minutes later, she called me back to say she, her dad and especially her roommate, wanted Irish to come live with them! Irish and Jacob, Shel's roommate, have a special bond. She listens to him even when she won't listen to me. Now Irish is staying in the family too, and we will get to see her anytime we want as well. Both of our babies are going to be well taken care of.
This was not the answer I wanted. I wanted my cake and to eat it too, to be honest. I wanted to not have to move and to keep our babies. That's not feasible and that isn't in His plan. This is, and I have to be okay with it. Not only do I have to be okay with it, I have to trust Him that this IS the best plan. I have to know that He is guiding us to the places He wants us, to bring us closer to Him. I have to obey.
But....
I can cry. I can be sad. Nowhere does it say we can't have emotions while following Him. He knows we have them... He gave them to us. I can feel what I'm feeling for a little while. I don't have to feel silly for being upset about this. I don't have to feel guilty either. Both of those are from the enemy, not from God. He loves me, and He hurts for me, but He knows His plan. I don't. There's a reason they don't fit into the plan right now.
And that's okay. I'm okay. Cause His ways are always better. Even when it hurts. On the other side, I will be stronger and closer to Him. Right now, I get to learn a valuable lesson in Trust, Love, and Obedience. For that, I thank Him.
For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
~Isaiah 55:8-9
I've been crying since yesterday afternoon. You see, a few weeks ago, our landlord told us we had to get rid of our two dogs, Irish and Liddel. I'm one of those people who absolutely love our animals. They are family to us, and this was just not something I wanted to do. We prayed and prayed and looked at houses and told God we were willing to do whatever He wanted. Even if it meant moving into a subdivision. Not to cut subdivisions, but I'm a country girl. I like trees and wide open spaces and for my kids to be able to run and play at will. Most subdivisions are too close together, but I know they have their benefits too, so I was willing. I hate moving, dread it with a passion, but I was willing.
I was CERTAIN that God wouldn't want us to give up our babies, but I knew that we could call Ben's brother and sister, and that they would take Liddel back no questions asked. They raised her from a wee little puppy. She was the runt of the litter and the momma didn't want to take care of her. They bottle fed her and loved her and raised her to be this adorably sweet, feisty alpha dog. She's a whopping 1.6 pound chihuahua terrier mix. Irish is a funny dog. She's a Peruvian hairless, but was a recessive throwback and has the softest, most beautiful coat, mostly black and blond. If you've never seen a peruvian hairless, Google it. It's the funniest looking dog you've ever seen! Irish, though, is beautiful. She's already in the 30-35 pound range, at only eight months old. She's tall and lean, like a greyhound, but resembles a German shepherd. She's fast and sweet and smart, but stubborn. They made a very cute, slightly strange team.
Yesterday, Irish stepped on Liddel. They play all the time and Liddel usually bosses Irish around, but yesterday they had a misstep. Liddel was hurt and needed to go to the vet. As I drove to the vet, I prayed, "Your Will, not mine. Whatever is the plan, I am with You." I knew this was headed in a direction I didn't want. We got to the vet and they suggested an x-ray, because her leg or hip might be broken. Uhm, that's not in the budget folks. I accepted the pain meds and the directives that she must be kept calm and quiet. Yeah, that's not possible at my house. My heart continued to sink. I paid a bill we couldn't exactly afford and left the office. I lost it. I knew I had to call Todd and Angie.
I cried the whole way home. As I drove, I listened to our local Christian radio station. I had noticed when I was headed to the vet that the songs were exactly what I needed to hear, but on the way home, it was unreal. The songs were ones that mentioned "there will come a day with no more tears" and "cry out to Jesus" and "in my failures You won't walk out". I was blown away and cried even harder. Here I was, upset, crying and yes, mad that this was the answer we had been waiting on. And here He is, showing me His promises are always truth. He will lead us. He will guide us. His ways are best. Even when we don't understand them. I called Todd and rather tearfully explained what was going on, and he had Angie call me. Of course they will take her back and love her and take care of her and nurse her back to health. They love her too, and understand that my heart is breaking. We made arrangements for them to come today.
I took Liddel this morning to see a very sweet special friend who did the x-ray for us. She confirmed our hopes and not our fears.. she was only bruised and sprained, not broken. She will be well in a few days. I headed home and took a nap while I waited on the call from Angie. They came this afternoon and picked her up. She was so excited to see them. I'm happy for her, but I am terribly sad. After she left, I called Shelley and told her she had left and that we were making decisions about Irish, too. When I saw my friend this morning, we discussed options to find her a good home who would love her and continue to teach her and let her grow into the awesome dog we know she's going to be. Shelley and I talked about how sad I was and how the kids were handling it, which was surprisingly well... better than me actually! We hung up and I cried a little more. (I've been crying off and on all day.) A few minutes later, she called me back to say she, her dad and especially her roommate, wanted Irish to come live with them! Irish and Jacob, Shel's roommate, have a special bond. She listens to him even when she won't listen to me. Now Irish is staying in the family too, and we will get to see her anytime we want as well. Both of our babies are going to be well taken care of.
This was not the answer I wanted. I wanted my cake and to eat it too, to be honest. I wanted to not have to move and to keep our babies. That's not feasible and that isn't in His plan. This is, and I have to be okay with it. Not only do I have to be okay with it, I have to trust Him that this IS the best plan. I have to know that He is guiding us to the places He wants us, to bring us closer to Him. I have to obey.
But....
I can cry. I can be sad. Nowhere does it say we can't have emotions while following Him. He knows we have them... He gave them to us. I can feel what I'm feeling for a little while. I don't have to feel silly for being upset about this. I don't have to feel guilty either. Both of those are from the enemy, not from God. He loves me, and He hurts for me, but He knows His plan. I don't. There's a reason they don't fit into the plan right now.
And that's okay. I'm okay. Cause His ways are always better. Even when it hurts. On the other side, I will be stronger and closer to Him. Right now, I get to learn a valuable lesson in Trust, Love, and Obedience. For that, I thank Him.
For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
~Isaiah 55:8-9
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Honesty.
I am in a writing group. I am writing more than I ever have before. I have even started writing by hand, which I will admit is very hard for me to do. This past week's assignment was honesty. I was struck by this, hard. It seems that this is the one thing He keeps reminding me of, over and over again. Be honest. Be real. Don't hide behind the walls or masks you usually turn to.
Sometimes it's hard. Sometimes it's hard to trust and follow and believe when you are surrounded by negativity. I have realized just how important it is to be surrounded by fellow followers, especially when met by the negativity from non followers.
I am a Christian.
There. I said it. I used to hate that label. There are so very many negative connotations associated with it. But to deny it is a lie. I am a Christian. I believe in the Triune God... Father, Son and Holy Ghost. I believe in Jesus and try my hardest to follow His teachings. I believe in loving my neighbors and helping those that God puts in my path.
This does not make me stupid.
Nor does it make me weak. Actually... maybe it does make me weak.....
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says:
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Yeah. I'll admit to weakness, but not stupidity. Just because you disagree with me doesn't make me stupid. Guess what? I believe in miracles too. I've experienced several in fact. I praise Him for them every day... and thank Him for the people He used to make that miracle happen. I know we all have different callings, and He uses different people in different ways. I believe in the promises He's given us in scriptures like:
Romans 8:28-
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.
Jeremiah 29:11-
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
and Revelation12:11-
And they have conquered him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, for they loved not their lives even unto death.
The thing is, He doesn't need anyone to perform a miracle. He can do whatever He wants, whenever He wants. It's an honor to us and shows us how much He loves us when He invites us in to where He is working. And just because the whole world doesn't see the miracle doesn't mean it didn't exist. I don't have to be there and see it with my own eyes. I know our Papa is bigger than anything and everything and could easily do a hundred thousand miracles at once without batting an eye!
I know I'm not perfect. I'd like to be, but let's face it, I'm a mess. I've been dealt a dirty hand time and again, but He's brought me out of the dark places each and every time. Every time I mess up, He's right there. Every time I am weak, He is right there. Every time I even think about bashing a non-believer who's bashing me, He is right there.
Reminding me that He has forgiven me, and them too.
Reminding me that He is teaching me, and them too.
Reminding me that He is loving me, and them too.
Matthew 5:43-48 says:
“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.
So the next time someone bashes me for my beliefs, I will hold on to what He is showing me. I will remain weak and fall on His strength. I will remember that He has a plan for them too, even if they don't believe it. I will trust that He will give them the same hope and future as He is giving me, and that they will one day love not their lives, even unto death. I will understand that He can and will pull them out of the dark places and that one day, instead of bashing my beliefs, they will be celebrating their own.
He can do that, ya'll. He can turn even the most hardened heart back to Him. Isn't that awesome??? If this is a struggle you have, remember to pray for the person bashing you. Ask God to intercede and change their hearts. Ask Him to show you how to respond and not react. Ask Him to guide you in showing love and weakness.
Ask Him in...Let Him work. Remember His promises and His goodness.
Love, trust and obey... But be real, be honest and be weak.....
Sometimes it's hard. Sometimes it's hard to trust and follow and believe when you are surrounded by negativity. I have realized just how important it is to be surrounded by fellow followers, especially when met by the negativity from non followers.
I am a Christian.
There. I said it. I used to hate that label. There are so very many negative connotations associated with it. But to deny it is a lie. I am a Christian. I believe in the Triune God... Father, Son and Holy Ghost. I believe in Jesus and try my hardest to follow His teachings. I believe in loving my neighbors and helping those that God puts in my path.
This does not make me stupid.
Nor does it make me weak. Actually... maybe it does make me weak.....
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says:
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Yeah. I'll admit to weakness, but not stupidity. Just because you disagree with me doesn't make me stupid. Guess what? I believe in miracles too. I've experienced several in fact. I praise Him for them every day... and thank Him for the people He used to make that miracle happen. I know we all have different callings, and He uses different people in different ways. I believe in the promises He's given us in scriptures like:
Romans 8:28-
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.
Jeremiah 29:11-
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
and Revelation12:11-
And they have conquered him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, for they loved not their lives even unto death.
The thing is, He doesn't need anyone to perform a miracle. He can do whatever He wants, whenever He wants. It's an honor to us and shows us how much He loves us when He invites us in to where He is working. And just because the whole world doesn't see the miracle doesn't mean it didn't exist. I don't have to be there and see it with my own eyes. I know our Papa is bigger than anything and everything and could easily do a hundred thousand miracles at once without batting an eye!
I know I'm not perfect. I'd like to be, but let's face it, I'm a mess. I've been dealt a dirty hand time and again, but He's brought me out of the dark places each and every time. Every time I mess up, He's right there. Every time I am weak, He is right there. Every time I even think about bashing a non-believer who's bashing me, He is right there.
Reminding me that He has forgiven me, and them too.
Reminding me that He is teaching me, and them too.
Reminding me that He is loving me, and them too.
Matthew 5:43-48 says:
“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.
So the next time someone bashes me for my beliefs, I will hold on to what He is showing me. I will remain weak and fall on His strength. I will remember that He has a plan for them too, even if they don't believe it. I will trust that He will give them the same hope and future as He is giving me, and that they will one day love not their lives, even unto death. I will understand that He can and will pull them out of the dark places and that one day, instead of bashing my beliefs, they will be celebrating their own.
He can do that, ya'll. He can turn even the most hardened heart back to Him. Isn't that awesome??? If this is a struggle you have, remember to pray for the person bashing you. Ask God to intercede and change their hearts. Ask Him to show you how to respond and not react. Ask Him to guide you in showing love and weakness.
Ask Him in...Let Him work. Remember His promises and His goodness.
Love, trust and obey... But be real, be honest and be weak.....
Broken But Beautiful
The opal in my engagement ring is cracked. I haven't worn it or my wrap around band in many months, and I have missed it. I took it off to prevent losing the stone, but we haven't had the funds to fix it for a while now. Ben pulled it out a few days ago and put it on my finger. As I've worn it, it's felt like a familiar weight. Something I missed that I didn't even realize how much I missed it. The stone is cracked and could fall out at any time. It's to that point that if I continue to wear it, the pieces will be lost.
This is what I feel like lately, in where I find myself as I follow Christ. I am cracked, and I miss myself sometimes. I am praying to prevent losing myself, but we don't have the funds to fix the physical problem right now. The recent events of Shelley getting sick and before that-- my support team stepping up to pull me out of the pit-- have done that very thing, pulled me out of the pit and put me back on solid ground. As I've felt that solid ground, it's felt familiar, and I've felt like my old self again.. happy, joyful even in the midst of chaos, loved. Things that I didn't even realize how much I had missed. I am cracked and could fall apart at any time. I'm to the point that if that happens, I feel as if I would be lost.
But there's beauty in all of this.
I've taken off the engagement ring and put it in safe keeping, but I missed the weight of this ring and this promise it represents. The constant reminder that I am not alone in this. No matter what I'm going through, God is right there, and He has given me this wonderful man to hold me and comfort me when I need it most. Ben is the reminder of how God Himself loves us all. He gave us this beautiful relationship, full of twists and turns and ups and downs, that He uses to remind us of how He loves us perfectly.
Ben and I on our own, well.... we are a mess. We are human. We've been together almost ten years (in 11 days, but who's counting, hehe?!?), and you learn a lot about each other in that time. We know which buttons to push to start a fight, which buttons to push to cause laughter. We know what drives each other crazy, and we know what to do when the other needs comfort. We can't love each other perfectly, because we are imperfect people. We are going to mess up. We are going to have bad days, and bad weeks, and maybe even bad years. We are going to have moments where it's going to be hard to love each other. We will have others where we will fall more in love and closer to a slightly more "perfect" relationship. Some days we are cheesy to most cheese-tastically cheesiest. Others... no one wants to be around for those moments. No, he's not perfect, just like I'm not perfect. However, God is.
There's the beauty in this... A Papa who loves us so much, that with Him as the center of our concentration, our marriage gets better. In putting our personal relationships with Him first, we no longer want to put the other or even worse, ourselves, on the pedestal. Even in moments where one or the other of us is faltering, He is there, guiding the other in prayer and care even while helping the one in the pit. His Spirit prompts us to show grace and love, to understand what the other is going through. He takes the broken moments and shows us His influence on our lives and how His plan is always best. We might not always understand the how or why, but we will look back and see the beauty in the cracks.
So while it may not be stylish to wear a wrap wedding band without the engagement ring, I don't care. I am proudly wearing it, as it is a visible, physical reminder of God's grace and mercy. We've been together ten wonderful bumpy years, and He's been there through it all. Even when we weren't asking Him to be there guiding us, He was there. In the ups, in the downs, in the twists and turns... He was always there. He loves us.. me with my messy, Ben with his, and us with each other's. And if He wants to use our messiness to showcase His love and mercy, then let it be. His will and plan are always better than mine. He's really been teaching me a lot in the little things within my relationships lately. He's in the details just as much as He's in the big picture. There is nothing He leaves in the dark.. There's nothing He can't turn to light.
Isaiah 60: 1-2 says:
Arise, shine, for your light has come,
and the glory of the Lord has risen upon you.
For behold, darkness shall cover the earth,
and thick darkness the peoples;
but the Lord will arise upon you,
and his glory will be seen upon you.
Arise. Shine. Trust. Be broken. Seek your relationship with Him and see what it does in your other relationships. Let Him show you how to love everyone, like He loves. Let His glory be seen upon you!
.
This is what I feel like lately, in where I find myself as I follow Christ. I am cracked, and I miss myself sometimes. I am praying to prevent losing myself, but we don't have the funds to fix the physical problem right now. The recent events of Shelley getting sick and before that-- my support team stepping up to pull me out of the pit-- have done that very thing, pulled me out of the pit and put me back on solid ground. As I've felt that solid ground, it's felt familiar, and I've felt like my old self again.. happy, joyful even in the midst of chaos, loved. Things that I didn't even realize how much I had missed. I am cracked and could fall apart at any time. I'm to the point that if that happens, I feel as if I would be lost.
But there's beauty in all of this.
I've taken off the engagement ring and put it in safe keeping, but I missed the weight of this ring and this promise it represents. The constant reminder that I am not alone in this. No matter what I'm going through, God is right there, and He has given me this wonderful man to hold me and comfort me when I need it most. Ben is the reminder of how God Himself loves us all. He gave us this beautiful relationship, full of twists and turns and ups and downs, that He uses to remind us of how He loves us perfectly.
Ben and I on our own, well.... we are a mess. We are human. We've been together almost ten years (in 11 days, but who's counting, hehe?!?), and you learn a lot about each other in that time. We know which buttons to push to start a fight, which buttons to push to cause laughter. We know what drives each other crazy, and we know what to do when the other needs comfort. We can't love each other perfectly, because we are imperfect people. We are going to mess up. We are going to have bad days, and bad weeks, and maybe even bad years. We are going to have moments where it's going to be hard to love each other. We will have others where we will fall more in love and closer to a slightly more "perfect" relationship. Some days we are cheesy to most cheese-tastically cheesiest. Others... no one wants to be around for those moments. No, he's not perfect, just like I'm not perfect. However, God is.
There's the beauty in this... A Papa who loves us so much, that with Him as the center of our concentration, our marriage gets better. In putting our personal relationships with Him first, we no longer want to put the other or even worse, ourselves, on the pedestal. Even in moments where one or the other of us is faltering, He is there, guiding the other in prayer and care even while helping the one in the pit. His Spirit prompts us to show grace and love, to understand what the other is going through. He takes the broken moments and shows us His influence on our lives and how His plan is always best. We might not always understand the how or why, but we will look back and see the beauty in the cracks.
So while it may not be stylish to wear a wrap wedding band without the engagement ring, I don't care. I am proudly wearing it, as it is a visible, physical reminder of God's grace and mercy. We've been together ten wonderful bumpy years, and He's been there through it all. Even when we weren't asking Him to be there guiding us, He was there. In the ups, in the downs, in the twists and turns... He was always there. He loves us.. me with my messy, Ben with his, and us with each other's. And if He wants to use our messiness to showcase His love and mercy, then let it be. His will and plan are always better than mine. He's really been teaching me a lot in the little things within my relationships lately. He's in the details just as much as He's in the big picture. There is nothing He leaves in the dark.. There's nothing He can't turn to light.
Isaiah 60: 1-2 says:
Arise, shine, for your light has come,
and the glory of the Lord has risen upon you.
For behold, darkness shall cover the earth,
and thick darkness the peoples;
but the Lord will arise upon you,
and his glory will be seen upon you.
Arise. Shine. Trust. Be broken. Seek your relationship with Him and see what it does in your other relationships. Let Him show you how to love everyone, like He loves. Let His glory be seen upon you!
.
Waiting
I have spent a lot of the last few days waiting. There's an old song by The Kinks that has been stuck in my brain that goes like this: "So tired, tired of waiting, tired of waiting for you...." I waited on doctors. I waited on nurses. I waited for Shelley to get better. I waited on things to level out.
Waiting and waiting and waiting. It seems hurry up and wait is what I'm supposed to be doing right now.
Right now, even as I write, I am waiting on Shelley to get here so I can help her. I'm waiting on God to show us what we are doing and where we are going. I'm waiting to see if we are going to be moving and if so, where. I'm waiting to see how the Fringe is going to go, as it kicked off Sunday. There is so much I'm waiting on.
And I hate it.
I don't like waiting. I like to do things right now. I like to know what it is I am going to be doing. I like to have a plan in place so that when it's time to get moving, things go well. I like to be prepared for whatever is coming our way.
But following Jesus isn't like that.
I have to let go of all the things that I like to be in control of. I have to wait on His plan. I have to trust that His timing is perfect. I have to wait upon the Lord.
Lamentations 3: 24-26 says:
“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“therefore I will hope in him.”
I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living!
Waiting and waiting and waiting. It seems hurry up and wait is what I'm supposed to be doing right now.
Right now, even as I write, I am waiting on Shelley to get here so I can help her. I'm waiting on God to show us what we are doing and where we are going. I'm waiting to see if we are going to be moving and if so, where. I'm waiting to see how the Fringe is going to go, as it kicked off Sunday. There is so much I'm waiting on.
And I hate it.
I don't like waiting. I like to do things right now. I like to know what it is I am going to be doing. I like to have a plan in place so that when it's time to get moving, things go well. I like to be prepared for whatever is coming our way.
But following Jesus isn't like that.
I have to let go of all the things that I like to be in control of. I have to wait on His plan. I have to trust that His timing is perfect. I have to wait upon the Lord.
Lamentations 3: 24-26 says:
“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“therefore I will hope in him.”
The Lord is good to those who wait for him,
to the soul who seeks him.
to the soul who seeks him.
It is good that one should wait quietly
for the salvation of the Lord.
for the salvation of the Lord.
Psalm 27: 13-14 says:
I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living!
Wait for the Lord;
be strong, and let your heart take courage;
wait for the Lord!
be strong, and let your heart take courage;
wait for the Lord!
Isaiah 30:18 says:
Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you,
and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you.
For the Lord is a God of justice;
blessed are all those who wait for him.
Even when I feel like the world is moving and I am stuck in one spot, He is moving. He is good, and if I patiently, quietly wait, something good will happen. When I push the issue, He encourages me to be strong and wait for Him. When I wait, He shows mercy. He blesses me when I wait on Him.
I don't like waiting. I don't like not being the one in control. I want things to happen when I want them. I want a magic wand, an easy fix. I don't want to wait. I want things to happen in my time, so that I don't have to wait. I want life to be easy, just once or twice.
Life isn't that way though. It's a step at a time, mostly in the right direction. It's knowing that at times we are going to stumble and rush the plan. There will be times when we drop the ball altogether and fall flat on our faces. He gives us grace though. He walks us through the tough times and shows us what we learned when we get to the other side. He picks us back up when we fall, and shows us that He was right there all along.
Waiting.
Waiting to show us His glory and His grace. Waiting to show us His love. If the Lord can wait upon us, why can't we wait upon Him?
and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you.
For the Lord is a God of justice;
blessed are all those who wait for him.
Even when I feel like the world is moving and I am stuck in one spot, He is moving. He is good, and if I patiently, quietly wait, something good will happen. When I push the issue, He encourages me to be strong and wait for Him. When I wait, He shows mercy. He blesses me when I wait on Him.
I don't like waiting. I don't like not being the one in control. I want things to happen when I want them. I want a magic wand, an easy fix. I don't want to wait. I want things to happen in my time, so that I don't have to wait. I want life to be easy, just once or twice.
Life isn't that way though. It's a step at a time, mostly in the right direction. It's knowing that at times we are going to stumble and rush the plan. There will be times when we drop the ball altogether and fall flat on our faces. He gives us grace though. He walks us through the tough times and shows us what we learned when we get to the other side. He picks us back up when we fall, and shows us that He was right there all along.
Waiting.
Waiting to show us His glory and His grace. Waiting to show us His love. If the Lord can wait upon us, why can't we wait upon Him?
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Givers...
I was listening to the radio on the way to the store a couple of weeks ago. Ben had it on one of the talk radio stations he listens to. The pastor was talking about the gift of giving. Then over the course of a few hours, Papa has prompted me with scriptures about the gift of giving and pointed out that He's given us that gift.
Scriptures like:
Hebrews 13:16- Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God.
2 Corinthians 9:7- Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.
1 John 3:17- But if anyone has the world's goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God's love abide in him?
Acts 20:35- In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’”
Those are just a few examples of what He says to us in the Bible. How can I read His Word and not do what He says? There are so many verses in the Bible about giving... to the needy, to the poor, to the widows and children. There are also verses that admonish you for not giving generously and cheerfully.. for being stingy or grudgingly giving (you know, "if I have to" or "well if no one else will" or "I guess I can...." and you really have to say that in Eeyore's ho hum, life is awful voice to get the full intent). It all boils down to love. Love Papa and love His people. Love us. Love you. Love them. Love by giving.. of yourself, your time, your money, your stuff, your whatever that He calls you to share. It all comes back to love.
He's blessed us in so many ways, so many times, using so many different people. It's amazing to experience it. You see, usually we are the ones needing help. Since we started down the path of asking God to lead us, we've been on a slick, slippery slope of "financial disaster". At this point in the story, I like to call it "learning to trust God is good ALL the time". Ben lost his job, the new one fell through, he went on unemployment for two years while going to school and doing whatever odd jobs he could find. At the same time I was led to quit my 40 hour week job to stay home and get closer to God and get well. Throw in repossession, foreclosure, credit's out the window and on and on and on I could go. It's been a mess. But throughout the ups and downs, we've been blessed by givers. I look around my house and I see a story of love. The living room furniture, the dining room table, the beds, the cool cabinet in my kitchen, the dresser in our room... almost everything in our house was given to us. Everywhere I turn, I see an example of God's love.
I know some of you may be shaking your head right about now and are thinking that I'm talking about materialistic stuff and all that, but that's not what I'm getting at.... I'm talking about people, God's people. People around us who saw a need, could meet that need, and did. People in our lives who loved us in the lowest of lows and rejoiced with us in the highest of highs. They listened to the prompting of the Spirit and provided for us. We've had food show up on days we were running out. Clothes or shoes given to us, about the time we realize the kids have hit a growth spurt. Little needs, big needs, financial needs, emotional needs.... All being met by a loving Savior who prompts loving givers. They were there, they cared, and they obeyed Him. We've made it through an awful lot by the grace of God and His givers. Every slip and slide down that slope led us closer and closer to Him. Why did so many people help us?
Out of love. Not out of a sense of have-to or guilt or showing off, but out of love.
As I've been on this journey of eliminating the excess in my life, instead of selling all our crap, He's had me giving away. Most of the time, it's been joyfully and generously. I would dearly love to say all the time, but by now I'm sure you know that I'm real and really messy. As He is cleaning me up and cleaning out all my clutter and trash, He's got me cleaning up the clutter and trash in my material world. I still have moments with small things, like clothes or that one thing that so-and-so gave me, that find me seriously wanting to stomp my foot and say, "no, I don't want to do this." But then He pokes me, or whispers to me, or even at times yells at me to see what it is that I'm doing: holding up the progress.
We can't get to the end result without going through the elimination process.
If I'm stomping my foot and pouting instead of being generous and cheerful, I'm saying I don't want what He wants for me. I want what I want. I don't want to obey. I want that "perfect" life where everything goes my way and I never have to want for anything or have anyone tell me what I can and can't do. I don't want to love like He loves... I don't want to experience Him.
Sigh...... I don't want to be that person. Most of the time I'm not. We gave away something this week that could've been sold to make our financial worldly lives a little better. Then I caught myself today trying to hang onto clothes that I don't need in a last ditch effort to maintain some control of my life.
I have to let go. I have to obey. I have to listen to what He's telling me, learn the lesson and get ready for the next step in this journey. I have to trust that He knows what is best for me. I have to know that His leading me to give or receive always comes with it's own special blessing. I have to believe in Love. I have to believe in His love. I have to believe in Him.
Even better? I GET to do all these things, because He loves us. It's not a have to... it's a get to, a want to.. It's experiencing everything He has in store for us, one moment of trust at a time. It's giving of myself, whatever the request may be. And it is always, always good.
Scriptures like:
Hebrews 13:16- Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God.
2 Corinthians 9:7- Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.
1 John 3:17- But if anyone has the world's goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God's love abide in him?
Acts 20:35- In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’”
Those are just a few examples of what He says to us in the Bible. How can I read His Word and not do what He says? There are so many verses in the Bible about giving... to the needy, to the poor, to the widows and children. There are also verses that admonish you for not giving generously and cheerfully.. for being stingy or grudgingly giving (you know, "if I have to" or "well if no one else will" or "I guess I can...." and you really have to say that in Eeyore's ho hum, life is awful voice to get the full intent). It all boils down to love. Love Papa and love His people. Love us. Love you. Love them. Love by giving.. of yourself, your time, your money, your stuff, your whatever that He calls you to share. It all comes back to love.
He's blessed us in so many ways, so many times, using so many different people. It's amazing to experience it. You see, usually we are the ones needing help. Since we started down the path of asking God to lead us, we've been on a slick, slippery slope of "financial disaster". At this point in the story, I like to call it "learning to trust God is good ALL the time". Ben lost his job, the new one fell through, he went on unemployment for two years while going to school and doing whatever odd jobs he could find. At the same time I was led to quit my 40 hour week job to stay home and get closer to God and get well. Throw in repossession, foreclosure, credit's out the window and on and on and on I could go. It's been a mess. But throughout the ups and downs, we've been blessed by givers. I look around my house and I see a story of love. The living room furniture, the dining room table, the beds, the cool cabinet in my kitchen, the dresser in our room... almost everything in our house was given to us. Everywhere I turn, I see an example of God's love.
I know some of you may be shaking your head right about now and are thinking that I'm talking about materialistic stuff and all that, but that's not what I'm getting at.... I'm talking about people, God's people. People around us who saw a need, could meet that need, and did. People in our lives who loved us in the lowest of lows and rejoiced with us in the highest of highs. They listened to the prompting of the Spirit and provided for us. We've had food show up on days we were running out. Clothes or shoes given to us, about the time we realize the kids have hit a growth spurt. Little needs, big needs, financial needs, emotional needs.... All being met by a loving Savior who prompts loving givers. They were there, they cared, and they obeyed Him. We've made it through an awful lot by the grace of God and His givers. Every slip and slide down that slope led us closer and closer to Him. Why did so many people help us?
Out of love. Not out of a sense of have-to or guilt or showing off, but out of love.
As I've been on this journey of eliminating the excess in my life, instead of selling all our crap, He's had me giving away. Most of the time, it's been joyfully and generously. I would dearly love to say all the time, but by now I'm sure you know that I'm real and really messy. As He is cleaning me up and cleaning out all my clutter and trash, He's got me cleaning up the clutter and trash in my material world. I still have moments with small things, like clothes or that one thing that so-and-so gave me, that find me seriously wanting to stomp my foot and say, "no, I don't want to do this." But then He pokes me, or whispers to me, or even at times yells at me to see what it is that I'm doing: holding up the progress.
We can't get to the end result without going through the elimination process.
If I'm stomping my foot and pouting instead of being generous and cheerful, I'm saying I don't want what He wants for me. I want what I want. I don't want to obey. I want that "perfect" life where everything goes my way and I never have to want for anything or have anyone tell me what I can and can't do. I don't want to love like He loves... I don't want to experience Him.
Sigh...... I don't want to be that person. Most of the time I'm not. We gave away something this week that could've been sold to make our financial worldly lives a little better. Then I caught myself today trying to hang onto clothes that I don't need in a last ditch effort to maintain some control of my life.
I have to let go. I have to obey. I have to listen to what He's telling me, learn the lesson and get ready for the next step in this journey. I have to trust that He knows what is best for me. I have to know that His leading me to give or receive always comes with it's own special blessing. I have to believe in Love. I have to believe in His love. I have to believe in Him.
Even better? I GET to do all these things, because He loves us. It's not a have to... it's a get to, a want to.. It's experiencing everything He has in store for us, one moment of trust at a time. It's giving of myself, whatever the request may be. And it is always, always good.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Rescue
So I've been laying back there in bed, trying to go to sleep and my mind just won't shut off. It's good stuff, after a very hard few days. Or months, depending on who's counting. Anyway you look at it, it's been hard. I've learned some difficult things about myself and where I am on this journey. It seems just as I think I'm getting a handle on things, life hits me. Hard. Right in the gut. And I am taken by surprise...
(You're laughing, aren't you? I know, I know.. I shouldn't be so presumptuous and BOASTFUL as to think I have this all figured out. I shouldn't expect things to get easy just cause I THINK I know what He wants. I shouldn't assume I'm going to fall under the enemy's radar just because I'm not out and about... Ouch. I totally messed that one up, didn't I? That hurts, on top of my hurt. Awesome.. When will I learn? Hopefully this time, but let's face it. I keep messing up. I don't learn my lesson and He gives me grace and I feel terrible because I KNOW what I should do, but I never seem to get it right. And He gives me grace.....)
This has been one of those situations. I've had another post in the works for a few days now. It's not finished, because frankly, I haven't felt like finishing it. I haven't felt like myself lately and only just realized this weekend how very unlike myself I've felt. I've been a shell of myself... as my wonderful thankfully FORGIVING husband lovingly said, "I've missed you, which sounds weird, since you've been right here. You're here, but my wife is not." Wow. Talk about a heart-wrenching, eye-opening statement. The thing is, I've felt weird. I've felt off... emotionally unstable. Not in a dangerous way, just in a you-don't-wanna-be-around-me and I-DEFINITELY-don't-wanna-be-around-you way. And if I'm being honest with myself, I thought I was doing a pretty good job of hiding the fact that I don't feel like me. I'm not that person. I love my family and my friends, I want them around, I want to love and nurture and feed and hang out with them. I haven't felt like myself... for a while. I'm honestly not sure how long. It wasn't a switch, like I was here yesterday, but gone today. It was a gradual losing of myself. A slow trickling of joy quietly eking out of our day to day life, and I didn't notice it. Not at first. It's taken a long while. And while I tried to hide it, to fight it, I couldn't and instead went into the blame game...
I blamed it on a lot of things... we've been snowed in, a LOT. We've been sick, a LOT. Holidays, snow, puke, snot... all these things can eat away at a momma's joy, but usually we can handle it. It's what we do. We find joy in the day to day moments. Those little laughs throughout the day, the funny expressions or statements, the things that make you glad to be a parent. Lately, though, I've been struggling. I've been negative, nasty, snippy, and sad... to the extremes. But I didn't really notice. I put it off as this or that. I ignored little signs that should've told me something was wrong. I blamed others (my sweet forgiving husband, have I mentioned that already?) for my reactions. And that.... I reacted instead of responded (why is it always that? I really need to stop doing that... I know better! You're shaking you're head now, aren't you? Sigh... I know.) . I let the icky nasty Mel out and stuffed the normal Mel away and kinda didn't notice until this weekend. So, basically.....
I let the enemy win.
Sort of. For a bit. But see, I have good friends and a husband who love me enough to say hey... what's going on? A husband who listens, talks and prays with me through my issues, and shows me Jesus instead of giving up on me. Friends who respond to the call of I need prayer and I can't explain what's going on in my head, and understand what I need when I don't. Friends who show me Jesus and speak truth into my life when I am faltering badly. I also have Papa... who knew what I needed exactly when I needed it.
You see, throughout all of this, I've never felt disconnected from Him. I've felt His Presence constantly, and while He hasn't answered the way I hoped, He did answer. He reminded me that He is with me always, hearing my pleas, answering my prayers, guiding me through this life. He showed me that even when I am in the deepest, darkest pit, He's right there, waiting to pull me out of it, if I will just grab on to Him. And when I'm not getting it, when my own agendas and ideas and thoughts are blocking out His message to me, He sends in this special, loving team to guide me back to His peace, His love, and His grace.
Tonight, He sent that team. They sat with me and Ben and talked with us about what was going on. They offered insight and truth that I hadn't considered, Words that Papa wanted us to hear. They prayed over us and showed us how much we are loved. They took time out of their day to love on me, who felt like an icky nasty failure. They Loved us through it.
Tonight, I sit before you, feeling a little more like me... Like someone loved by God, saved by Jesus, and led by the Holy Spirit. Not perfect, but patient. Not healed, but healing. Not lost, but saved. Not of my own volition, but His. Because His Love for me (and YOU!!!!!) is greater than anything I can imagine, anything this sinful world can offer, and anything the enemy can throw at us.
Anything.
Even to your old age and gray hairs
I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
I will sustain you and I will rescue you.
~Isaiah 46:4
(You're laughing, aren't you? I know, I know.. I shouldn't be so presumptuous and BOASTFUL as to think I have this all figured out. I shouldn't expect things to get easy just cause I THINK I know what He wants. I shouldn't assume I'm going to fall under the enemy's radar just because I'm not out and about... Ouch. I totally messed that one up, didn't I? That hurts, on top of my hurt. Awesome.. When will I learn? Hopefully this time, but let's face it. I keep messing up. I don't learn my lesson and He gives me grace and I feel terrible because I KNOW what I should do, but I never seem to get it right. And He gives me grace.....)
This has been one of those situations. I've had another post in the works for a few days now. It's not finished, because frankly, I haven't felt like finishing it. I haven't felt like myself lately and only just realized this weekend how very unlike myself I've felt. I've been a shell of myself... as my wonderful thankfully FORGIVING husband lovingly said, "I've missed you, which sounds weird, since you've been right here. You're here, but my wife is not." Wow. Talk about a heart-wrenching, eye-opening statement. The thing is, I've felt weird. I've felt off... emotionally unstable. Not in a dangerous way, just in a you-don't-wanna-be-around-me and I-DEFINITELY-don't-wanna-be-around-you way. And if I'm being honest with myself, I thought I was doing a pretty good job of hiding the fact that I don't feel like me. I'm not that person. I love my family and my friends, I want them around, I want to love and nurture and feed and hang out with them. I haven't felt like myself... for a while. I'm honestly not sure how long. It wasn't a switch, like I was here yesterday, but gone today. It was a gradual losing of myself. A slow trickling of joy quietly eking out of our day to day life, and I didn't notice it. Not at first. It's taken a long while. And while I tried to hide it, to fight it, I couldn't and instead went into the blame game...
I blamed it on a lot of things... we've been snowed in, a LOT. We've been sick, a LOT. Holidays, snow, puke, snot... all these things can eat away at a momma's joy, but usually we can handle it. It's what we do. We find joy in the day to day moments. Those little laughs throughout the day, the funny expressions or statements, the things that make you glad to be a parent. Lately, though, I've been struggling. I've been negative, nasty, snippy, and sad... to the extremes. But I didn't really notice. I put it off as this or that. I ignored little signs that should've told me something was wrong. I blamed others (my sweet forgiving husband, have I mentioned that already?) for my reactions. And that.... I reacted instead of responded (why is it always that? I really need to stop doing that... I know better! You're shaking you're head now, aren't you? Sigh... I know.) . I let the icky nasty Mel out and stuffed the normal Mel away and kinda didn't notice until this weekend. So, basically.....
I let the enemy win.
Sort of. For a bit. But see, I have good friends and a husband who love me enough to say hey... what's going on? A husband who listens, talks and prays with me through my issues, and shows me Jesus instead of giving up on me. Friends who respond to the call of I need prayer and I can't explain what's going on in my head, and understand what I need when I don't. Friends who show me Jesus and speak truth into my life when I am faltering badly. I also have Papa... who knew what I needed exactly when I needed it.
You see, throughout all of this, I've never felt disconnected from Him. I've felt His Presence constantly, and while He hasn't answered the way I hoped, He did answer. He reminded me that He is with me always, hearing my pleas, answering my prayers, guiding me through this life. He showed me that even when I am in the deepest, darkest pit, He's right there, waiting to pull me out of it, if I will just grab on to Him. And when I'm not getting it, when my own agendas and ideas and thoughts are blocking out His message to me, He sends in this special, loving team to guide me back to His peace, His love, and His grace.
Tonight, He sent that team. They sat with me and Ben and talked with us about what was going on. They offered insight and truth that I hadn't considered, Words that Papa wanted us to hear. They prayed over us and showed us how much we are loved. They took time out of their day to love on me, who felt like an icky nasty failure. They Loved us through it.
Tonight, I sit before you, feeling a little more like me... Like someone loved by God, saved by Jesus, and led by the Holy Spirit. Not perfect, but patient. Not healed, but healing. Not lost, but saved. Not of my own volition, but His. Because His Love for me (and YOU!!!!!) is greater than anything I can imagine, anything this sinful world can offer, and anything the enemy can throw at us.
Anything.
Even to your old age and gray hairs
I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
I will sustain you and I will rescue you.
~Isaiah 46:4
Monday, January 6, 2014
It all started with dog puke.
What a statement. What a way to kick off the new year. See, Papa started something in me a few months ago... a purging of excess life. Excess in everything, being eliminated one step (and sometimes two and ten) at a time. This weekend, we started on my room. Dun, dun, dun....
Surely I'm not the only one who saves the bedroom for last. Last to be cleaned, organized, even thought about. I hate cleaning our room. No, that's not it, exactly. It's that there's so much chaos and clutter, I don't know where to start. There are random piles and boxes of stuff that we've been collecting and laundry that needs to be hung up and life... messy messy life that we live every day and can't seem to get a handle on. Our bedroom is the dumping ground for everything else we can't find a place for or don't have time to deal with. As a result, it's a big ol messy mess. Kinda like me.
"My bedroom is the perfect example of my life. Awesome. Papa... I really didn't want to put that one together. I was pretty content just leaving it alone. Do we have to go there? Can't it wait just a bit longer? There's so much there. It's going to take forever to get through! I'm really not ready to go there... Ohhhhhhh-kay, if you insist."
And He did insist. We've been dancing around the bedroom for a couple of months now. He would whisper or nudge. I would find something else to work on, some other way to avoid. Something would always come up. Until.....
It all started with dog puke.
We have a six month old puppy, who likes to eat things she shouldn't, as six month old puppies do. Unfortunately she's a 30 some odd pound puppy, which means big pukes when whatever she has eaten doesn't agree with her stomach. Tons of fun, haha. Saturday was one of those days. Who knows what she ate, but it came back up. Five or six times... bleh. Not a fun way to start the day. Since I still looked like I'd been on a month long binge, I decided not to go to church. Ben left about two, and I was thinking about what I would do with the day. The kids were playing nicely for the first time in a few days. Hmmmm.... Then... that lovely sound.. Dog puke happening.
Puppies are like little kids, in that you can't convince them that there are alternative, more convenient places to puke. Like the bathroom, or outside. Or.. oh, no, not my bedroom... aw man. Come on. Gag!! Ok. Gag!!! No worries. Ugh...
Then Papa said..... Get busy. It's time.
Uhm.... what? Now? Ok. Well I guess I will start right here, with the dog puke and work my way out. I started sorting and throwing away and hanging up. Vacuuming and dusting and eliminating all the excess. The kids were awesome, and even came in and helped some, but mostly stayed out of the way and happily played together. He started speaking to me throughout the eight hours or so we worked. WE worked. Not me and the kids, me and Papa... For, as I worked on eliminating the excess in my room, He worked on eliminating the excess in my life. Showing me that all of this crap I've accumulated through years of just stuffing it aside to deal with later has to come back out at some point. It has to be dealt with. It has to be sorted into piles: worth keeping, clutter that can be given away, or trash that needs to be thrown out immediately.
Memories of good times and things/people that bring joy are worth keeping. His instructions to us are worth keeping. The love He has brought us is worth keeping. This is the easy part. Seeking those treasures is exciting and makes us feel good. That's the part we don't mind doing. Clutter that can be given away are those relationships we've held onto that hurt us, the conversations we need to have that we avoid. Clutter like those inflicted hurts from people who may not know they hurt us. This is a little more difficult to do. Who wants to admit they are hanging on to something that they don't need, but want? Why would we even do that? Because it's comfortable, easy.
We hide behind the clutter, so that no one will see our trash.
We put up walls, erect monuments to hide our idols. If you see the clutter on the surface, then maybe you won't look deeper and see the trash. Papa is the King of breaking down walls and destroying our erected monuments of failure.
He goes right to the trash, and says.... See this? This is not from Me. This is something you've brought into the story, and it has to go. See that? I gave you that as a gift, but you have bastardized it, using it for your own glory and not Mine, as it was intended. And this little thing here that you are trying to hide from me? Silly child, don't you know, I see all? I know all. I know it's there. I know you don't think you can live without it, but I know that you can. I did not intend for this to be in your life. I want it gone, and I am cutting it out now. Yes, it's going to hurt. Yes, it will leave some scars. Those scars will remind you that I love you. They will heal, and when I am done, you will be the person I see. The you that you are meant to be. Trust me as I lead you to be the person I know you to be.
I would love to say the room is all clean now, but there's still some work to be done. With me, it's a process. I tend to get overwhelmed if the project is too big. Sometimes I need things to move slowly in order for it to be most effective. This is something that drives me crazy about myself, but right now it's just clutter. I'm sure it'll become trash soon, and I'm sure there's some trash I missed (or avoided). But sooner or later, this will be a finished project. Sooner or later, I'll be able to look back at this and marvel at the lessons He taught me. For now, it's one step at a time. One day at a time. Hopefully next time, we won't have to wait on the dog puke, and I'll listen the first time He whispers to me.....
So where is He leading you? What's your bedroom? Are you willing to let Him tear down the walls and destroy your monuments? Don't be like me and wait for the dog puke. Talk to Him today and ask Him into your bedroom. Start sorting the piles, seek His love, find out what treasures He has in store for you....
Surely I'm not the only one who saves the bedroom for last. Last to be cleaned, organized, even thought about. I hate cleaning our room. No, that's not it, exactly. It's that there's so much chaos and clutter, I don't know where to start. There are random piles and boxes of stuff that we've been collecting and laundry that needs to be hung up and life... messy messy life that we live every day and can't seem to get a handle on. Our bedroom is the dumping ground for everything else we can't find a place for or don't have time to deal with. As a result, it's a big ol messy mess. Kinda like me.
"My bedroom is the perfect example of my life. Awesome. Papa... I really didn't want to put that one together. I was pretty content just leaving it alone. Do we have to go there? Can't it wait just a bit longer? There's so much there. It's going to take forever to get through! I'm really not ready to go there... Ohhhhhhh-kay, if you insist."
And He did insist. We've been dancing around the bedroom for a couple of months now. He would whisper or nudge. I would find something else to work on, some other way to avoid. Something would always come up. Until.....
It all started with dog puke.
We have a six month old puppy, who likes to eat things she shouldn't, as six month old puppies do. Unfortunately she's a 30 some odd pound puppy, which means big pukes when whatever she has eaten doesn't agree with her stomach. Tons of fun, haha. Saturday was one of those days. Who knows what she ate, but it came back up. Five or six times... bleh. Not a fun way to start the day. Since I still looked like I'd been on a month long binge, I decided not to go to church. Ben left about two, and I was thinking about what I would do with the day. The kids were playing nicely for the first time in a few days. Hmmmm.... Then... that lovely sound.. Dog puke happening.
Puppies are like little kids, in that you can't convince them that there are alternative, more convenient places to puke. Like the bathroom, or outside. Or.. oh, no, not my bedroom... aw man. Come on. Gag!! Ok. Gag!!! No worries. Ugh...
Then Papa said..... Get busy. It's time.
Uhm.... what? Now? Ok. Well I guess I will start right here, with the dog puke and work my way out. I started sorting and throwing away and hanging up. Vacuuming and dusting and eliminating all the excess. The kids were awesome, and even came in and helped some, but mostly stayed out of the way and happily played together. He started speaking to me throughout the eight hours or so we worked. WE worked. Not me and the kids, me and Papa... For, as I worked on eliminating the excess in my room, He worked on eliminating the excess in my life. Showing me that all of this crap I've accumulated through years of just stuffing it aside to deal with later has to come back out at some point. It has to be dealt with. It has to be sorted into piles: worth keeping, clutter that can be given away, or trash that needs to be thrown out immediately.
Memories of good times and things/people that bring joy are worth keeping. His instructions to us are worth keeping. The love He has brought us is worth keeping. This is the easy part. Seeking those treasures is exciting and makes us feel good. That's the part we don't mind doing. Clutter that can be given away are those relationships we've held onto that hurt us, the conversations we need to have that we avoid. Clutter like those inflicted hurts from people who may not know they hurt us. This is a little more difficult to do. Who wants to admit they are hanging on to something that they don't need, but want? Why would we even do that? Because it's comfortable, easy.
We hide behind the clutter, so that no one will see our trash.
We put up walls, erect monuments to hide our idols. If you see the clutter on the surface, then maybe you won't look deeper and see the trash. Papa is the King of breaking down walls and destroying our erected monuments of failure.
He goes right to the trash, and says.... See this? This is not from Me. This is something you've brought into the story, and it has to go. See that? I gave you that as a gift, but you have bastardized it, using it for your own glory and not Mine, as it was intended. And this little thing here that you are trying to hide from me? Silly child, don't you know, I see all? I know all. I know it's there. I know you don't think you can live without it, but I know that you can. I did not intend for this to be in your life. I want it gone, and I am cutting it out now. Yes, it's going to hurt. Yes, it will leave some scars. Those scars will remind you that I love you. They will heal, and when I am done, you will be the person I see. The you that you are meant to be. Trust me as I lead you to be the person I know you to be.
I would love to say the room is all clean now, but there's still some work to be done. With me, it's a process. I tend to get overwhelmed if the project is too big. Sometimes I need things to move slowly in order for it to be most effective. This is something that drives me crazy about myself, but right now it's just clutter. I'm sure it'll become trash soon, and I'm sure there's some trash I missed (or avoided). But sooner or later, this will be a finished project. Sooner or later, I'll be able to look back at this and marvel at the lessons He taught me. For now, it's one step at a time. One day at a time. Hopefully next time, we won't have to wait on the dog puke, and I'll listen the first time He whispers to me.....
So where is He leading you? What's your bedroom? Are you willing to let Him tear down the walls and destroy your monuments? Don't be like me and wait for the dog puke. Talk to Him today and ask Him into your bedroom. Start sorting the piles, seek His love, find out what treasures He has in store for you....
Grace
I can't sleep. It's midnight, for the umpteenth day in a row. I don't know how many nights I've been struggling. I do know I look like a junkie who's been on a month long binge. Today I couldn't even have a short conversation without breaking down, crying over absolutely nothing. The last couple of days, I've been filled with rage... Not towards someone or something, just angry. I have been trying to figure it all out. Why, when I have nothing to be mad or sad about, am I dramatically sad and mad? WHAT IS THIS?!?!?
Why is my flesh warring with me so badly? I get that we are cursed to have a week out of the month where things are just not fun, but that's never really been a thing for me. A movie might make me cry, or my kids might irritate me to no end, but I've never experienced the extremes I have in the last few weeks. And yeah, we quit smoking, but it's not bothering me. I haven't had a craving once, even when well-meaning friends offered to buy me a pack, thinking that was the problem. It's not, and that's a great thing... So what is it??? Why am I feeling so psycho crazy? What have I been missing?
I do know I have been surrounded by pain. I have friends whose grandma is fighting cancer. I have friends whose kids are sick. I have friends whose grandpa is having surgery. Friends who are loving on friends of theirs who lost their child, and friends loving on children who lost their parent. Friends who are struggling to make sense of divorce, job loss, illness, and death. Friends who are believers and friends who are not. Hurt and pain are not limited to one or the other. It falls on us all:
Matthew 5:45 says: so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.
So how do you deal with the pain you are feeling, whether it's your own personal pain, or a sympathy/empathy for your friends? I feel my friends' pain, especially when I am weak. I feel helpless, because I know there is nothing in my power that I can do to help them. Not a thing. I can love them, and support them, but I can't help them. He is the only one who can. He is the only one.
He knows what each of us are going through. He knows what each of us are feeling. He's going through it too, feeling it too. He hurts for what hurts us. He aches for what makes us ache. He knows all and sees all and experiences it all... And He feels it for all His children. Can you imagine what it must be like? To feel all the world's hurt, sin, anger, loss? I can't handle the hurt and pain in my own teeny tiny corner of the world!! Everything that you feel, everything that I feel, times everyone in this world.... All of it. He deals with it, and loves us anyway.
Loves us, not because of all our crap. In SPITE of all our crap. Loves us, not because of something we do, but in SPITE of what we do. Think about that. Not because of, in spite of.....
In spite of hate.
In spite of cruelty.
In spite of Lust. Gluttony. Idolatry. All the sins that are laid out in the Bible. Every single one.
We do them all, every single day.
Every. Single. Day. All of us. None of us are perfect. No, not one. Only Him. Only He could not sin. Only He did not sin. He came, Himself because He knows we can't do it without Him. And He did it for all of our sins. Not yours. Not theirs. Ours. All of it. Because He loves us. Not me. Not you. All of us:
Matthew 5:45 says: so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.
That, my friends, is grace. Shining on all of us. Raining on all of us, the just and the unjust. A beautiful, beautiful gift that we don't deserve, that He gives freely. All because of Love...
So Love Him. Love others. Share in their pain, share in their joy. Love Him more than anything, and let others see you loving Him. Let your life honor Him, even in the icky nasty parts. Let His Son shine through you, even in the rain.
Why is my flesh warring with me so badly? I get that we are cursed to have a week out of the month where things are just not fun, but that's never really been a thing for me. A movie might make me cry, or my kids might irritate me to no end, but I've never experienced the extremes I have in the last few weeks. And yeah, we quit smoking, but it's not bothering me. I haven't had a craving once, even when well-meaning friends offered to buy me a pack, thinking that was the problem. It's not, and that's a great thing... So what is it??? Why am I feeling so psycho crazy? What have I been missing?
I do know I have been surrounded by pain. I have friends whose grandma is fighting cancer. I have friends whose kids are sick. I have friends whose grandpa is having surgery. Friends who are loving on friends of theirs who lost their child, and friends loving on children who lost their parent. Friends who are struggling to make sense of divorce, job loss, illness, and death. Friends who are believers and friends who are not. Hurt and pain are not limited to one or the other. It falls on us all:
Matthew 5:45 says: so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.
So how do you deal with the pain you are feeling, whether it's your own personal pain, or a sympathy/empathy for your friends? I feel my friends' pain, especially when I am weak. I feel helpless, because I know there is nothing in my power that I can do to help them. Not a thing. I can love them, and support them, but I can't help them. He is the only one who can. He is the only one.
He knows what each of us are going through. He knows what each of us are feeling. He's going through it too, feeling it too. He hurts for what hurts us. He aches for what makes us ache. He knows all and sees all and experiences it all... And He feels it for all His children. Can you imagine what it must be like? To feel all the world's hurt, sin, anger, loss? I can't handle the hurt and pain in my own teeny tiny corner of the world!! Everything that you feel, everything that I feel, times everyone in this world.... All of it. He deals with it, and loves us anyway.
Loves us, not because of all our crap. In SPITE of all our crap. Loves us, not because of something we do, but in SPITE of what we do. Think about that. Not because of, in spite of.....
In spite of hate.
In spite of cruelty.
In spite of Lust. Gluttony. Idolatry. All the sins that are laid out in the Bible. Every single one.
We do them all, every single day.
Every. Single. Day. All of us. None of us are perfect. No, not one. Only Him. Only He could not sin. Only He did not sin. He came, Himself because He knows we can't do it without Him. And He did it for all of our sins. Not yours. Not theirs. Ours. All of it. Because He loves us. Not me. Not you. All of us:
Matthew 5:45 says: so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.
That, my friends, is grace. Shining on all of us. Raining on all of us, the just and the unjust. A beautiful, beautiful gift that we don't deserve, that He gives freely. All because of Love...
So Love Him. Love others. Share in their pain, share in their joy. Love Him more than anything, and let others see you loving Him. Let your life honor Him, even in the icky nasty parts. Let His Son shine through you, even in the rain.
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