The Light

Admiring the light of the bright, white moon, 

My soul is stirred and I think of You...

You, who covers our darkness, our sin.

You, who shows us, time and again.. 

That there is nothing You will not do..

To prove your love, to state your truth,

To shine your light upon our face, 

To lift us up with your never-ending Grace. 

You welcome us..

Broken and torn, lost and forlorn..

Desperate for heaven but racing to hell. 

Searching, seeking, buying whatever they sell.

But You welcome us.

You, merciful Father, You! 

You shine your face upon us!

You save us in your steadfast love!

You do not shame us, berate us..

You guide us, delight in us.. 

You cover our sin....

And when we falter, when we fail .

You let us back in, again and again.

You forgive us Lord, when we don't deserve it.

You welcome us Lord, when we haven't earned it.

Just like the light of the bright, white moon, 

You cover us in bright, beautiful You. 

Sometimes I fail

Sometimes I fail.
Sometimes, in trying to help someone, I get twisted and mixed up. I don't know what to say or do, so I do nothing. Others, I make an attempt, and even as I am saying or doing something that I think will help the situation... Inside my head, I am scrambling for balance while screaming, "Oh no, what was I thinking? That was reallllly stupid!"
Sometimes I fail.
Sometimes my husband simply needs my focus and attention, but I am too busy paying attention to everything else to see what he needs. My inattention often leads to conflict. Conflict leads to a whole host of negative things... The biggest of which is the enemy joining me in my head and turning it into his playground. If I give in to his antics, I'm gonna fail every time.
Sometimes I fail.
Sometimes I forget to give grace and mercy, and to do all things in love. I'm trying to teach tweens a hard lesson at a hard age, in a world that is seriously lacking in these things. Sometimes, in trying to get through to them, I do the very things I want them to stop doing. I raise my voice and yell to get above the noise, while inside my head, I'm thinking, "Dang it, I don't want to do this. Why do I DO this?"
Sometimes I fail.
Sometimes I am too focused on the negativity of the world, and less on the positivity of His presence in it. Yes, things are awful right now, but none of it is a surprise to Him. Plus, He's already at work in the situation. Most of all, I have found that in the midst of chaos, you find Him, waiting, offering peace. He knows what we need when things are falling down around us, and what we need more than anything is Him. He comforts and quiets my soul when the world is spinning out of control.
Sometimes I fail.
Sometimes I forget that in all my failures, He still loves me. He still walks with me through it. He may not keep me from experiencing the consequences of my choices, but He will guide me through it lovingly. I fail Him often, but He never fails me. Not once. Even if I cannot see the good in a situation, He can and does. It may not look to you or me right now as good, but He sees things we can't see, and knows things we don't know. He knows what will come when we trust Him. He knows He loves us, and He is just waiting on us to realize that. He knows we are His.
Sometimes I fail, but He never does.

Your Grace

Kids are dying,
Mommas are crying,
Lives are lost,
And at what cost?
Hearts are broken.
Words, unspoken.
The world's gone mad,
Lost what we had.
What went wrong?
We aren't alone,
But we stopped praying,
Began constantly saying..
God's not real!
Get outta here
with that crazy mess,
I know best.
I'll live my life,
Beat my kids and wife.
Don't tell me lies,
Cause I will rise,
Stand on my own,
A king on his throne,
And be the man I wanna be.
Lord, oh Lord, why can't we see?
You're here, You're there,
You're EVERYWHERE.
Showing us grace,
You took our place.
Showing us love,
You came from above,
To earth to dwell.
You came here
To make us well.
You draw us near
and teach us to hear
Your beautiful voice,
Above all the noise.
You hold our hand
And help us to stand,
When we're crumbling,
              Stumbling..
Falling to our knees.
You call us friend
And help us mend.
Helping us see
You're what we need.
Father, Son, Holy Spirit,
Oh, my Father,
Let me hear it!
"Well done, my child,
Come sit with me awhile,
And I will show you how
Everything led to now.
You, here with me.
        Together...
Always and forever,
We will be."
I yearn for that day,
But for now I'll say..
We have to repent
Before our life is spent.
We have to realize
The world is full of lies...
But also love and laughter,
And the promise of ever after.
I look forward to the day
I see your beautiful face,
Where I will say
Thank you for your grace.

Focus

Today we got the news that on-site school for our state is over for the year, but online school will continue. The kids are so bummed. They love going to school and seeing their friends and favorite teachers. We've prepped them for this possibility, but it's still hard for them. They will have a successful school year, and we are doing what we can to have some fun too. We are doing our best to stay positive, while reminding them that it's okay to be upset about this.
There are so many families that aren't feeling very positive about this, whatsoever. Some kids are going hungry. Some kids are being abused. Some parents are breaking down, and some are breaking up. Jobs and homes will be, and in some cases, already are, lost. Some parents are still working, (in some cases, more than full time)...  Then coming home absolutely exhausted, only to turn into teacher as well as parent.
Some teachers, principals and support staff are completely devastated that they will not see their kids, while at the same time trying to provide a solid education for them... And while simultaneously trying to teach their own children.
Doctors and nurses are sleeping away from their families if they can. If they can't, they are doing everything they can to protect them and minimize their exposure. Everyone is doing the best that they can in a situation no one understands.
This is so hard on so many people, for so many reasons. It's a time that will grow us all, one way or another. We will learn who we are and what we stand for. We will learn how to refocus our vision onto new things, and hopefully, onto His things.
My mother in law has been teaching me about non-locality connections for a while now, and I love this:

If we are all connected to the Spirit, then we are all connected through the Spirit.

We often cannot be together, but that doesn't mean we're not connected. If our focus is on Him, He will guide our prayers to those who need Him. He will prompt us to use our gifts to help someone or encourage them. There are many things that we have no control or power over, but He does! Yes, there are many things in this world that break our hearts and His, but no matter what, He brings about good. He gives us a little nudge to pray a little harder or serve in some way. Just because we can't look them in the eye right now doesn't mean we can't show someone love. We need each other, now, more than ever. We need Him, now, more than ever. We can love with non-locality just as much as we can in person.
Reach out to the person you've thought of while reading this. Let them know that you are thinking of them, and that you care. Pray for them. Let me know, and I'll pray too! Together, we can join Him in their battles.

In the Blink of an Eye

In the blink of an eye,
Everything changes.
We reach for the stars,
Ignoring the strangest
Signs and symbols that
Show us the Way,
That teach us, and help us,
Come what may.
They lead us to truth,
They lead us to love.
They lead us to hope,
All sent from above.
Now we sit "alone",
Safe in our homes,
Praying He hears us,
Praying He comes.
Knowing this world
Doesn't want to see
The goodness that comes
From the love that He
Faithfully,
Painfully,
Lovingly gave.
Giving his all,
Straight to the grave.
Arising and showing
The Glory of Christ,
And in doing so,
Brought us all back to life.

The me I used to be

When I see me,
The me I used to be,
I see the brokenness, the pain,
The heartache and disdain.

I see the sadness and anger,
Ignoring the danger,
Hoping that something,

A N  Y  T  H  I  N  G

could dull the shame,
Remove the blame.

Make me whole again.

Knowing it was my choices,
Plus all of the voices,
Screaming and teeming
Inside of my brain...

Saying
Nothing, nothing, nothing
Could change..

I was to blame,
There's too much shame.
Nothing, nothing, nothing
Could change...

Until that moment,
That whisper, that quiet...
That peace stepped in,
Facing the riot.

Showing me Grace,
Lifting up my face
To find shame gone
And hope where it belongs.

Mercy loved me,
Mercy healed me.
Mercy showed me
A world that needs me.

To share my voice
And stand, by choice,
To live in truth,
To share my proof.

That love is enough,
That we are enough.
That He is enough
And it is enough

To know....

He loves you.
He loves me.
And through it all,
He will be.

Always with you,
Always with me.

Mel, circa 2000

Mel, circa 2019

Bring your brokenness

I've had the words to Francesca Battistelli's song, 'If We're Honest' stuck in my head today. I haven't heard it in a while, so when that happens, I know that God is trying to tell me something. I've been puzzling it through and praying about it throughout my day, and I finally have my answer. He is asking for my honesty. For my brokenness. For the very things that we all hide from the world.
Earlier, on a return trip to Walmart (because of course I forgot something!), I had a thirty minute conversation with an older gentlemen. I could hardly hear him, but when I did understand him, we talked about his pets and bowel movements and where he lives. It was a moment that struck me. He felt open enough with me to tell me about one of the most secretive things in a person's life. How many of you would tell a perfect stranger about a BM so bad you had to toss your clothes? I would be willing to bet the answer is not very many. But he was. And it finally clicked when I got home. That's what He is asking of me. To let people in. To share my good moments and my bad moments. If I wasn't dealing with a chronic illness, I wouldn't be at Walmart in the middle of the day. I wouldn't be able to sit and listen to a gentleman who just needed someone to sit with him for a moment, to know someone else heard him. I wouldn't be able to answer the phone or a message when someone needs prayer. I wouldn't be able to listen. I wouldn't be as solid a prayer warrior as I am now.
If I'm honest, when I am well, I make myself too busy to slow down and take in His world. I hide my brokenness and pain and put up a brave front. If I am not honest about my brokenness and pain, how can anyone be honest with me? If I don't allow them to see how my Saviour helps me grow through my brokenness and pain, how can they see that growth? They can't.
Over the last few months, He has really been convicting me about my pride. I've been such a prideful human, not letting anyone really see what was going on with me. Not letting people IN, hiding behind "I'm fine, how are you?" If I can't bring my brokenness to the table, how can I ask them to bring theirs? I can't. I have to be willing to break my pride and allow Him to do what He is going to do with it. I have to be willing to let Him use every single thing that is part of my story.
Because after all, my story is His story.

Hello Again!

Hello old friend!
I have missed you greatly. I felt a little lost without you there for a bit, but God showed me that sometimes we have to grow through some things in order to get to the next level. Recently, though, I've been feeling the itch. I've had a few word plays come to mind that make me think you are back and we are ready to do this again. I am so very excited to see what comes next.
What have I been up to, you ask? Well, I worked part time as a florist for a bit. I had hoped that that meant I was done with this chronic illness business, but alas, I was wrong. I went down again and really struggled with finding my worth. Then we moved, which has been awesome, but came with its own set of new struggles and discoveries. My health has continued to be a roller coaster ride. We've had some really great highs and some scary lows. But through it all, we've come to truly see and understand who we are in Christ, and more importantly, who He is.
We also got not one, not two, but three new pups! We had no idea the joy and chaos they would bring. God has taught me so much through them! Then, the kids are all preteens or young teens now. That's been fun, hahaha. Oh the hormonal rages and tears and angst that come along with that age range! Not to mention, all the fun things we have to talk about, including gender, dating, active shooter scenarios, and many other hard things. Ben and I just celebrated sixteen years together. Through our journey, we've come to really love and trust each other, no matter what life throws at us. We've learned it's never going to be 'easy', but if we talk it out and turn to God, it will always be okay.
I look forward to sharing some of these adventures and lessons with you, old friend. I also can't wait to see what God leads us through with this renewal of words. It will be wonderful, come what may!
Until next time, stay strong, be courageous, and trust that He's got you, no matter what!

That Place in the Woods

In that place in the woods,

As the sun

beams upon my face,

I sit in awe at the music

You create.

While the birds in the trees

Are twittering, chittering,

Chatting about their day,

Tap-tap-tapping away..

The breeze dances through the trees,

Scattering the leaves

And whispering to me

The lovely secrets it keeps.

Laughter and love quietly shout

To remind me what it's always about.

The peaceful existence fills my soul

And prepares my heart for battles untold..

I sit back and watch,

as the birds flitter by,

Knowing that soon,

I'll have to say goodbye.

To return to a land

that's lost sight of it all,

And take up my sword

And remind them to pause...

To remember the Savior,

Who died for us all,

And the God who loves us,

Sin and all.

the Gardener

I love when God teaches me a lesson using things in my daily life. This morning, as I was tending to my plants, the comparisons between the work at hand and how He cares for us struck me.

When I am in constant care of my plants, and they are receiving the water and food and pruning they need, they grow and flourish. Some need bright, direct light, while others need a gentle diffused light. Some do better separated from the crowd, yet still close enough to interact with one another. Others love to be in a group, allowing the water to flow from one another and their leaves to become intertwined. Sometimes I have to prune one hard in order to help it grow. Some need a gentle hand, while others need a firmer one. When one is sick or struggling to live, I have to give them extra attention. Sometimes I lose one, and I am very, very sad.

As God cares for us, He knows what we need before we even need it. When we are connected to Him, we grow and flourish. He sent us living water in the form of Jesus, and food for our souls in the form of the Bible, to ensure that growth. He shines a light for us all to reflect, but gives the perfect amount of light for each of us to flourish. He brings people into our lives because we need each other. When we are all connected together, and our arms are intertwined with His, that living water flows from one to the next in the form of grace and mercy. He also prunes us when we need to grow, and while oftentimes it hurts, it is so good for our growth. Then there are those that He loses. If you think they don't break His heart, then you would be wrong. He fights for us all, and gives each of us every opportunity to turn to Him.

He knows what we often don't want to admit: we all need the Gardener. My plants won't live if I turn away. Neither will we, if we turn from Him.

But for those whose roots are firmly enmeshed in His foundation? We will grow.

P.S. I'm so glad to be writing again!