You know those days you question whether or not you are following God's will? You think you are doing what He wants, but you just aren't sure? You strive to do what He asks you, without questioning the why or how?
That would be how I've felt for a couple of months now. I know I am on the right path, but I question whether or not I have missed something. I don't want to find out later that I missed what He was telling me. I've second-guessed myself, questioned my trust, and prayed to Him.... saying, "God, you know I believe, but please help me in my un-belief!"
I got an answer today, and wow what an answer! Ben and I applied for the same job at the church. We both felt called to apply, although I really felt deep in my heart that it wasn't the answer we were looking for. I prayed about it for a while, and decided to apply and leave it up to God. We had lots of people praying for God's will to be done in this. Ben and I were both interviewed and both of us thought it went really really well. It was the most pleasant of job interviews, where I felt the Holy Spirit moving. That was last Tuesday. We've spent the week remaining in prayer, along with our prayer warriors.... and while we haven't been antsy, we have been very curious.
I got a call this afternoon to let me know neither of us had been chosen, and why. Through much prayer, they made the decision based on an overwhelming feeling that in hiring us for this position, they would be interfering in what God is doing in our lives, and that what He is doing is BIG. What a confirmation to what I've been feeling for some time now... I know He is at work, and I've been telling Ben and anyone else who would listen that I feel like it's something big. Real Big. Like I have no idea what it could be, but it's going to be awesome BIG. They could see and feel His presence in our lives, and even through the interview process. They really wanted to be able to offer it to one of us, but how can you question God? You can't. You accept what He is saying and wait and see what happens. This is where we have been for a while. He has done some absolutely AMAZING things throughout this period of absolute trust in Him. Do we doubt? Well, yeah, we're human. Don't get me wrong... we don't doubt Him. We doubt ourselves. We doubt our confidence in hearing Him and knowing what it is He is asking us to do.
Our closest friends know what we've been feeling, so it was awesome to get confirmation from someone who doesn't know us that well. He told me that we are known for the ministry that we have for others. Not in that "Oh, look at me and what I'm doing" way, but in that "Look at what God is doing" way. How can you not feel completely stoked by something like that? I have thought a lot lately on whether or not my life is a biography or a testimony. I desperately want it to be a testimony to other people, because to me, it is. I want people to look at me and say, "Whoa, God is working on and through her." "I want to know the Jesus she knows." "I want that kind of relationship with my Savior too." I don't want people to look at me and think I'm doing things so people will look at me... If you know me, you KNOW I'm the last person to want to stand up and say, hey look at me. I want my life and desires to reflect my Savior's. I want to see what He sees, hurt for what hurts Him, love who He loves. I want HIM to be proud of me. I yearn for that day when I get to heaven, to hear Him say, "well done, good and faithful servant." But it is nice to get that confirmation that I'm on the right track. That we are reflecting His glory. That everything we do, we do for Him, and it is touching others. Sometimes we need a little "atta boy". Sometimes we need to hear, Be confident in your closeness with Him, that you ARE hearing Him. And sometimes.... we need to know that other people are praying for us too... for our ministry, for our children, for our hearts to be forever open to Him. So this week I am thankful for divine confirmation, in a way I never expected.... for people who pray for us to heed His will... and for an understanding that no matter what I may think I want, God's way is ALWAYS better!
I can't wait to see what it is He has in store for us! I know in my heart it's going to be amazing!!
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