It's been a while, I know. I haven't felt capable of writing, if that makes sense. I've been jotting down notes here and there. Short little paragraphs every once in a while, but beyond that, my writing has been off. It wasn't until tonight that I really felt that I had missed it, so here we are. Please bear with me as I find my groove again. It may be a wee bit bumpy, but it'll be real.
I have a new friend, and I've been sharing my story with her. I've marveled at the changes in me. I've been astounded at how many of the things I use to be are no longer even remotely present in my life. Wow.
I AM NOT WHO I ONCE WAS.
I can no longer be called by the labels I wore before. The skill set that I was so proud of in my past life is no longer one that I utilize, or even want to. You see, I was a bad, bad girl.... evil in a red dress, and most people couldn't see it. I could walk into a room, take its pulse and know exactly how to work everyone in there. I could manipulate each person into seeing a different version of me, but no one saw the real me.
Not even me.
I had no idea who I was, and if I'm honest, I didn't want to know the real me. That person was weak. That person got hurt. It was much easier being the bitter, enraged, perfectly-perfect-in-their-eyes person that I pretended to be every single day.
If you don't see the real me, you can't hurt the real me.
I spent several years developing my walls and building my masks. Even those who thought they knew me well didn't know me. I put on a mask every morning, and just rotated through the collection as the need arose. Super sexy siren? Check. Fun party girl? Check. Loyal hardworking employee? Check. Mom of the year? Check. Perfect hostess, lover of all things, good girl, bad girl.... I was as fickle as Arkansas weather.
It was exhausting.
I couldn't do it. I couldn't be what everyone wanted me to be. I couldn't pretend that I was okay, when I was so far from it that I was ready to end it. I even tried to, but......
God had other plans.
He sent people to speak to me. He put people in my life to show truth to me, even when I didn't know that was what they were doing. Now I can look back and see each and every person He sent to get me to the point that I am now. I'm still not perfect. I still mess up. I get frustrated and stumble, which irritates me even more. I fall down, but I get back up.
Not of my own will, but because He's put people here to walk this with me. People to reach down and pick me up when I fall. People who will let me lean on them, and who will lean on me when they are stumbling. People who are there, not because I'm wearing a mask that they really like, but because I'm just me. People who understand I'm just human, too.
I've really seen this lived out well in the last three weeks. I've been down.. Fibro started a fight and won this round, but didn't knock me out. My family and friends have rallied around me. Ben has worked exhausting hours, then come home and taken care of me and the kids and everything else. My sistas have shown up to do my dishes, bring me lunch, mop my floors, do my laundry, just sit with me, or break me out of house jail for the first time in three weeks.
Not because of me, but because I put my masks down and asked Jesus to lead me back to Him. I submitted myself to His plans, and I've walked the path He's laid before me. It hasn't always been easy, and there have been plenty of times I've BEGGED Him to plot a different course.
But......
It's been worth it. And it will continue to be worth it, until the day I am standing with Him, face to face, in a place that I cannot even begin to imagine. Then, all of this, everything good and everything bad that I've lived through, all of it will be nothing in the presence of Truth and Love.
Saturday, August 22, 2015
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Tolerance vs. Love
Update, 2016: This post goes crazy about halfway through and I cannot fix it. It's one of those things that I can't control and therefore drive me crazy. If you are like that as well, I apologize. I have tried everything, including rewriting, to fix it. It's just going to drive us crazy. Those of you who can ignore it, bravo! It's a great message still, I believe. Especially given the changes in our world since then. Bless this world. Pray for your fellow man. We really need each other!
The other day, I had the best conversation I think I have ever had, with perfect strangers, in a tire shop of all places. We talked about things people don't typically talk about without going into knock-down, drag-out, kick 'em in the knee fights: Christianity, politics, parenting, and race. There were six of us. One man, two older white women, two older black women, and myself. It was awesome! No one got offended, no one got out of line. It was genuine conversation between strangers, bonding over the terrible things we were seeing on the news.
One thing has really stuck with me. We were watching a man lead a panel on race and all the problems that are going on in today's world. They pretty much all agreed that racial tension is worse today than it has been in the last several years. They all agreed that something should be done. Their solution?
We should be more tolerant.
Wait...... We should be more tolerant? That doesn't sound good. I looked it up. Tolerance is "the ability or willingness to accept something with forbearance, in particular the existence of opinions or behavior that one does not necessarily agree with." So, to me, tolerance is judging someone, finding them lacking, and saying: "There's something wrong with you, but I'm not going to say anything about it, at least not out loud. To you." Y'all... tolerance is judgment.
That's not love.
We are not called to tolerate one another. We are called to love each other.
John 13:34-35 “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”
That doesn't say, "TOLERATE one another. As I have TOLERATED you, so you must TOLERATE one another." It says LOVE. Love is what Jesus did. He showed us a very good example. Even in the midst of brutality and hatred, He LOVED. Even when one of those closest to Him betrayed Him, He LOVED. Even as that one kissed him on the cheek, He LOVED.
Even on the cross, He LOVED.
He loved, y'all. He didn't tolerate. The story would have been crazy different if He tolerated us instead of loved us. We know the story. We know He loves us. However, there is one who doesn't want us to know that. One who would love to deflect the truth and twist it into a lie of tolerance. So far, he's been very successful. We are actually telling people we need to tolerate instead of love.
Can you imagine a world filled with Truth and Love versus the world we have now, filled with Lies and Tolerance? Stop for a minute and think about that...
Your neighbor, who believes a certain something that you tolerate, but you really don't like it, or him? What would it look like if you loved him instead?
Your boss, who does this and that and it really bugs you... What would it look like if you loved her instead?
Your spouse, who repeatedly does that one thing you can't stand and irritates the heck out of you.... what if you loved him instead?
That family member, who says and does things you totally disagree with... what if you loved her instead?
The list can go on and on. I know you've thought of people you only tolerate as you've read this. We ALL do it. We all do it, and yet we say we don't. The enemy already uses every single thing he can to get to us and distract us from God. Do you really want to give him anymore ammunition?
If you have these relationships, pray about them. Ask God to show you how to truly LOVE. If you don't think you have these relationships, pray about that too. Ask Him to show you in which relationships you need to show love instead of tolerance.
He will help you. Know why? Because He loves you and everyone you know, too!!
Love each other. Love Him. Change the world, one relationship at a time.
The other day, I had the best conversation I think I have ever had, with perfect strangers, in a tire shop of all places. We talked about things people don't typically talk about without going into knock-down, drag-out, kick 'em in the knee fights: Christianity, politics, parenting, and race. There were six of us. One man, two older white women, two older black women, and myself. It was awesome! No one got offended, no one got out of line. It was genuine conversation between strangers, bonding over the terrible things we were seeing on the news.
One thing has really stuck with me. We were watching a man lead a panel on race and all the problems that are going on in today's world. They pretty much all agreed that racial tension is worse today than it has been in the last several years. They all agreed that something should be done. Their solution?
We should be more tolerant.
Wait...... We should be more tolerant? That doesn't sound good. I looked it up. Tolerance is "the ability or willingness to accept something with forbearance, in particular the existence of opinions or behavior that one does not necessarily agree with." So, to me, tolerance is judging someone, finding them lacking, and saying: "There's something wrong with you, but I'm not going to say anything about it, at least not out loud. To you." Y'all... tolerance is judgment.
That's not love.
We are not called to tolerate one another. We are called to love each other.
John 13:34-35 “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”
That doesn't say, "TOLERATE one another. As I have TOLERATED you, so you must TOLERATE one another." It says LOVE. Love is what Jesus did. He showed us a very good example. Even in the midst of brutality and hatred, He LOVED. Even when one of those closest to Him betrayed Him, He LOVED. Even as that one kissed him on the cheek, He LOVED.
Even on the cross, He LOVED.
He loved, y'all. He didn't tolerate. The story would have been crazy different if He tolerated us instead of loved us. We know the story. We know He loves us. However, there is one who doesn't want us to know that. One who would love to deflect the truth and twist it into a lie of tolerance. So far, he's been very successful. We are actually telling people we need to tolerate instead of love.
Can you imagine a world filled with Truth and Love versus the world we have now, filled with Lies and Tolerance? Stop for a minute and think about that...
Your neighbor, who believes a certain something that you tolerate, but you really don't like it, or him? What would it look like if you loved him instead?
Your boss, who does this and that and it really bugs you... What would it look like if you loved her instead?
Your spouse, who repeatedly does that one thing you can't stand and irritates the heck out of you.... what if you loved him instead?
That family member, who says and does things you totally disagree with... what if you loved her instead?
The list can go on and on. I know you've thought of people you only tolerate as you've read this. We ALL do it. We all do it, and yet we say we don't. The enemy already uses every single thing he can to get to us and distract us from God. Do you really want to give him anymore ammunition?
If you have these relationships, pray about them. Ask God to show you how to truly LOVE. If you don't think you have these relationships, pray about that too. Ask Him to show you in which relationships you need to show love instead of tolerance.
He will help you. Know why? Because He loves you and everyone you know, too!!
Love each other. Love Him. Change the world, one relationship at a time.
Monday, August 4, 2014
Pear Trees
Hey there... It's been a while, I know. There's been lots of learning and growing, but when it has come to writing, there have been crickets..... and birds, and frogs, and trees and mint and a million lovely things Papa has been speaking to me through, in this beautiful world around us.
It's been such a joy to be a part of. The journey of discovery He's taking me on has been echoed in everything around me. I'm learning what He wants me to learn just by slowing down and listening to Him. By appreciating the world He's created for us.
For example.....
There are the beautiful pear trees, that just take my breath away, especially those few short days when they are bursting forth with stinky beautiful white flowers. Yes, I said stinky. They are so gross. But the trees, oh the trees... They stand side by side, growing so close together that you can't tell where one begins and the other ends. Their silhouette, together, is that of a big, full abundant tree. To separate these trees would be to cut that beauty in half, leaving harsh scars and broken shape. There would no longer be beauty, only brokenness, and likely death.
They speak to me of what love and marriage should be. Two people, standing side by side, growing so close together that you can't tell where one begins and the other ends. Their silhouette together, that of a big, full abundant life. To separate them would leave harsh scars and brokenness... the beauty crushed. They must stand arm in arm, holding each other up. Their roots must be deep, reaching for the water that they need to survive. They also have branches that stretch and dance in the breeze, whipped in the rain. They sing a lovely song, with the leaves all chattering at once. The stages of the tree are lovely... that new neon green after a cold winter's nap, the burgeoning green as the leaves reach their full potential... the beautiful stinky flowers... the fall color slowly creeping in then disappearing all at once... the naked bare limbs, waiting on Spring's warmth to clothe them again.
Like the trees, marriage should be rooted.. in strong faith and a willingness to live out the commandment, given in Matthew 22, 36-40:
36 “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” 37 And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. 38 This is the great and first commandment. 39 And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. 40 On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.”
Like trees, we should reach for the Father, stretching towards Him. As the branches reach up, soaking up the light, so should we. When the wind blows through and the storms arise, we dance in rain, knowing it will soon pass.
John 8:12:
12 Again Jesus spoke to them, saying, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”
As we are rooted in darkness, we should be ever reaching for the Light.
Only the Light can keep us strong. Only the Light can grow us, even rooted in bad soil. As we reach for the Light, He teaches us to dig deep through the darkness to find the Living Water. Only He can show us where our roots should go. Only He can quiet our chattering hearts to hear His quiet answer.
I am Here.
I love you.
And if we are both listening... if we are both loving God, and loving each other... then we grow together. We reach toward God, leaning on each other, listening to His quiet answers and loving each other along the way. Growing toward the beautiful shape that is marriage, led by God. Holding each other up, dancing in the storms, stretching our arms always toward Him, and growing more beautiful each day.
However....
While the pear trees are beautiful, there are a few places that need to be cut back, in order to give strength to the rest of the trees. Some damage from the last storm harms the tree. This is the sin in our world. It steals the beauty that God created. Within our sick and twisted hearts, we think it is hidden, unable to be seen, but our Creator sees all. It's anger, pain, drugs, alcohol, porn, food... it's whatever keeps you from giving your entire heart to Him. It's whatever holds you back, keeps you from loving, keeps you from love. These are our selfish ways, causing us to be naked and broken, ashamed.
But... He.
He can cut it all away. It's going to hurt. It's probably going to be hard. But He will do it in a loving, this is for your own good kind of way, if you stand still and let Him do it. As your sins are cut away, He leaves you fresh, tender... no longer ashamed.
A new you... a new shape. If your marriage is like the pear trees, then your spouse is being trimmed too. As He cuts away the sin in both of you, He forms a new shape, more beautiful than before. As you love your spouse, as he loves you, as you both Love Jesus.... you grow together, cycling through the seasons of life, through the storms of the world. Reaching ever toward Papa, seeking the Living Water and leaning on each other in the process.
Loving, learning, obeying....
It's been such a joy to be a part of. The journey of discovery He's taking me on has been echoed in everything around me. I'm learning what He wants me to learn just by slowing down and listening to Him. By appreciating the world He's created for us.
For example.....
There are the beautiful pear trees, that just take my breath away, especially those few short days when they are bursting forth with stinky beautiful white flowers. Yes, I said stinky. They are so gross. But the trees, oh the trees... They stand side by side, growing so close together that you can't tell where one begins and the other ends. Their silhouette, together, is that of a big, full abundant tree. To separate these trees would be to cut that beauty in half, leaving harsh scars and broken shape. There would no longer be beauty, only brokenness, and likely death.
Like the trees, marriage should be rooted.. in strong faith and a willingness to live out the commandment, given in Matthew 22, 36-40:
36 “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” 37 And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. 38 This is the great and first commandment. 39 And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. 40 On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.”
Like trees, we should reach for the Father, stretching towards Him. As the branches reach up, soaking up the light, so should we. When the wind blows through and the storms arise, we dance in rain, knowing it will soon pass.
John 8:12:
12 Again Jesus spoke to them, saying, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”
As we are rooted in darkness, we should be ever reaching for the Light.
Only the Light can keep us strong. Only the Light can grow us, even rooted in bad soil. As we reach for the Light, He teaches us to dig deep through the darkness to find the Living Water. Only He can show us where our roots should go. Only He can quiet our chattering hearts to hear His quiet answer.
I am Here.
I love you.
And if we are both listening... if we are both loving God, and loving each other... then we grow together. We reach toward God, leaning on each other, listening to His quiet answers and loving each other along the way. Growing toward the beautiful shape that is marriage, led by God. Holding each other up, dancing in the storms, stretching our arms always toward Him, and growing more beautiful each day.
However....
While the pear trees are beautiful, there are a few places that need to be cut back, in order to give strength to the rest of the trees. Some damage from the last storm harms the tree. This is the sin in our world. It steals the beauty that God created. Within our sick and twisted hearts, we think it is hidden, unable to be seen, but our Creator sees all. It's anger, pain, drugs, alcohol, porn, food... it's whatever keeps you from giving your entire heart to Him. It's whatever holds you back, keeps you from loving, keeps you from love. These are our selfish ways, causing us to be naked and broken, ashamed.
But... He.
He can cut it all away. It's going to hurt. It's probably going to be hard. But He will do it in a loving, this is for your own good kind of way, if you stand still and let Him do it. As your sins are cut away, He leaves you fresh, tender... no longer ashamed.
A new you... a new shape. If your marriage is like the pear trees, then your spouse is being trimmed too. As He cuts away the sin in both of you, He forms a new shape, more beautiful than before. As you love your spouse, as he loves you, as you both Love Jesus.... you grow together, cycling through the seasons of life, through the storms of the world. Reaching ever toward Papa, seeking the Living Water and leaning on each other in the process.
Loving, learning, obeying....
Saturday, February 15, 2014
A Lesson
Man life has really been kicking my butt lately. It seems like I'm not just leaning on God, I'm hanging on for dear life. There's been great things come of it, but I am tired.
I've been crying since yesterday afternoon. You see, a few weeks ago, our landlord told us we had to get rid of our two dogs, Irish and Liddel. I'm one of those people who absolutely love our animals. They are family to us, and this was just not something I wanted to do. We prayed and prayed and looked at houses and told God we were willing to do whatever He wanted. Even if it meant moving into a subdivision. Not to cut subdivisions, but I'm a country girl. I like trees and wide open spaces and for my kids to be able to run and play at will. Most subdivisions are too close together, but I know they have their benefits too, so I was willing. I hate moving, dread it with a passion, but I was willing.
I was CERTAIN that God wouldn't want us to give up our babies, but I knew that we could call Ben's brother and sister, and that they would take Liddel back no questions asked. They raised her from a wee little puppy. She was the runt of the litter and the momma didn't want to take care of her. They bottle fed her and loved her and raised her to be this adorably sweet, feisty alpha dog. She's a whopping 1.6 pound chihuahua terrier mix. Irish is a funny dog. She's a Peruvian hairless, but was a recessive throwback and has the softest, most beautiful coat, mostly black and blond. If you've never seen a peruvian hairless, Google it. It's the funniest looking dog you've ever seen! Irish, though, is beautiful. She's already in the 30-35 pound range, at only eight months old. She's tall and lean, like a greyhound, but resembles a German shepherd. She's fast and sweet and smart, but stubborn. They made a very cute, slightly strange team.
Yesterday, Irish stepped on Liddel. They play all the time and Liddel usually bosses Irish around, but yesterday they had a misstep. Liddel was hurt and needed to go to the vet. As I drove to the vet, I prayed, "Your Will, not mine. Whatever is the plan, I am with You." I knew this was headed in a direction I didn't want. We got to the vet and they suggested an x-ray, because her leg or hip might be broken. Uhm, that's not in the budget folks. I accepted the pain meds and the directives that she must be kept calm and quiet. Yeah, that's not possible at my house. My heart continued to sink. I paid a bill we couldn't exactly afford and left the office. I lost it. I knew I had to call Todd and Angie.
I cried the whole way home. As I drove, I listened to our local Christian radio station. I had noticed when I was headed to the vet that the songs were exactly what I needed to hear, but on the way home, it was unreal. The songs were ones that mentioned "there will come a day with no more tears" and "cry out to Jesus" and "in my failures You won't walk out". I was blown away and cried even harder. Here I was, upset, crying and yes, mad that this was the answer we had been waiting on. And here He is, showing me His promises are always truth. He will lead us. He will guide us. His ways are best. Even when we don't understand them. I called Todd and rather tearfully explained what was going on, and he had Angie call me. Of course they will take her back and love her and take care of her and nurse her back to health. They love her too, and understand that my heart is breaking. We made arrangements for them to come today.
I took Liddel this morning to see a very sweet special friend who did the x-ray for us. She confirmed our hopes and not our fears.. she was only bruised and sprained, not broken. She will be well in a few days. I headed home and took a nap while I waited on the call from Angie. They came this afternoon and picked her up. She was so excited to see them. I'm happy for her, but I am terribly sad. After she left, I called Shelley and told her she had left and that we were making decisions about Irish, too. When I saw my friend this morning, we discussed options to find her a good home who would love her and continue to teach her and let her grow into the awesome dog we know she's going to be. Shelley and I talked about how sad I was and how the kids were handling it, which was surprisingly well... better than me actually! We hung up and I cried a little more. (I've been crying off and on all day.) A few minutes later, she called me back to say she, her dad and especially her roommate, wanted Irish to come live with them! Irish and Jacob, Shel's roommate, have a special bond. She listens to him even when she won't listen to me. Now Irish is staying in the family too, and we will get to see her anytime we want as well. Both of our babies are going to be well taken care of.
This was not the answer I wanted. I wanted my cake and to eat it too, to be honest. I wanted to not have to move and to keep our babies. That's not feasible and that isn't in His plan. This is, and I have to be okay with it. Not only do I have to be okay with it, I have to trust Him that this IS the best plan. I have to know that He is guiding us to the places He wants us, to bring us closer to Him. I have to obey.
But....
I can cry. I can be sad. Nowhere does it say we can't have emotions while following Him. He knows we have them... He gave them to us. I can feel what I'm feeling for a little while. I don't have to feel silly for being upset about this. I don't have to feel guilty either. Both of those are from the enemy, not from God. He loves me, and He hurts for me, but He knows His plan. I don't. There's a reason they don't fit into the plan right now.
And that's okay. I'm okay. Cause His ways are always better. Even when it hurts. On the other side, I will be stronger and closer to Him. Right now, I get to learn a valuable lesson in Trust, Love, and Obedience. For that, I thank Him.
For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
~Isaiah 55:8-9
I've been crying since yesterday afternoon. You see, a few weeks ago, our landlord told us we had to get rid of our two dogs, Irish and Liddel. I'm one of those people who absolutely love our animals. They are family to us, and this was just not something I wanted to do. We prayed and prayed and looked at houses and told God we were willing to do whatever He wanted. Even if it meant moving into a subdivision. Not to cut subdivisions, but I'm a country girl. I like trees and wide open spaces and for my kids to be able to run and play at will. Most subdivisions are too close together, but I know they have their benefits too, so I was willing. I hate moving, dread it with a passion, but I was willing.
I was CERTAIN that God wouldn't want us to give up our babies, but I knew that we could call Ben's brother and sister, and that they would take Liddel back no questions asked. They raised her from a wee little puppy. She was the runt of the litter and the momma didn't want to take care of her. They bottle fed her and loved her and raised her to be this adorably sweet, feisty alpha dog. She's a whopping 1.6 pound chihuahua terrier mix. Irish is a funny dog. She's a Peruvian hairless, but was a recessive throwback and has the softest, most beautiful coat, mostly black and blond. If you've never seen a peruvian hairless, Google it. It's the funniest looking dog you've ever seen! Irish, though, is beautiful. She's already in the 30-35 pound range, at only eight months old. She's tall and lean, like a greyhound, but resembles a German shepherd. She's fast and sweet and smart, but stubborn. They made a very cute, slightly strange team.
Yesterday, Irish stepped on Liddel. They play all the time and Liddel usually bosses Irish around, but yesterday they had a misstep. Liddel was hurt and needed to go to the vet. As I drove to the vet, I prayed, "Your Will, not mine. Whatever is the plan, I am with You." I knew this was headed in a direction I didn't want. We got to the vet and they suggested an x-ray, because her leg or hip might be broken. Uhm, that's not in the budget folks. I accepted the pain meds and the directives that she must be kept calm and quiet. Yeah, that's not possible at my house. My heart continued to sink. I paid a bill we couldn't exactly afford and left the office. I lost it. I knew I had to call Todd and Angie.
I cried the whole way home. As I drove, I listened to our local Christian radio station. I had noticed when I was headed to the vet that the songs were exactly what I needed to hear, but on the way home, it was unreal. The songs were ones that mentioned "there will come a day with no more tears" and "cry out to Jesus" and "in my failures You won't walk out". I was blown away and cried even harder. Here I was, upset, crying and yes, mad that this was the answer we had been waiting on. And here He is, showing me His promises are always truth. He will lead us. He will guide us. His ways are best. Even when we don't understand them. I called Todd and rather tearfully explained what was going on, and he had Angie call me. Of course they will take her back and love her and take care of her and nurse her back to health. They love her too, and understand that my heart is breaking. We made arrangements for them to come today.
I took Liddel this morning to see a very sweet special friend who did the x-ray for us. She confirmed our hopes and not our fears.. she was only bruised and sprained, not broken. She will be well in a few days. I headed home and took a nap while I waited on the call from Angie. They came this afternoon and picked her up. She was so excited to see them. I'm happy for her, but I am terribly sad. After she left, I called Shelley and told her she had left and that we were making decisions about Irish, too. When I saw my friend this morning, we discussed options to find her a good home who would love her and continue to teach her and let her grow into the awesome dog we know she's going to be. Shelley and I talked about how sad I was and how the kids were handling it, which was surprisingly well... better than me actually! We hung up and I cried a little more. (I've been crying off and on all day.) A few minutes later, she called me back to say she, her dad and especially her roommate, wanted Irish to come live with them! Irish and Jacob, Shel's roommate, have a special bond. She listens to him even when she won't listen to me. Now Irish is staying in the family too, and we will get to see her anytime we want as well. Both of our babies are going to be well taken care of.
This was not the answer I wanted. I wanted my cake and to eat it too, to be honest. I wanted to not have to move and to keep our babies. That's not feasible and that isn't in His plan. This is, and I have to be okay with it. Not only do I have to be okay with it, I have to trust Him that this IS the best plan. I have to know that He is guiding us to the places He wants us, to bring us closer to Him. I have to obey.
But....
I can cry. I can be sad. Nowhere does it say we can't have emotions while following Him. He knows we have them... He gave them to us. I can feel what I'm feeling for a little while. I don't have to feel silly for being upset about this. I don't have to feel guilty either. Both of those are from the enemy, not from God. He loves me, and He hurts for me, but He knows His plan. I don't. There's a reason they don't fit into the plan right now.
And that's okay. I'm okay. Cause His ways are always better. Even when it hurts. On the other side, I will be stronger and closer to Him. Right now, I get to learn a valuable lesson in Trust, Love, and Obedience. For that, I thank Him.
For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
~Isaiah 55:8-9
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Honesty.
I am in a writing group. I am writing more than I ever have before. I have even started writing by hand, which I will admit is very hard for me to do. This past week's assignment was honesty. I was struck by this, hard. It seems that this is the one thing He keeps reminding me of, over and over again. Be honest. Be real. Don't hide behind the walls or masks you usually turn to.
Sometimes it's hard. Sometimes it's hard to trust and follow and believe when you are surrounded by negativity. I have realized just how important it is to be surrounded by fellow followers, especially when met by the negativity from non followers.
I am a Christian.
There. I said it. I used to hate that label. There are so very many negative connotations associated with it. But to deny it is a lie. I am a Christian. I believe in the Triune God... Father, Son and Holy Ghost. I believe in Jesus and try my hardest to follow His teachings. I believe in loving my neighbors and helping those that God puts in my path.
This does not make me stupid.
Nor does it make me weak. Actually... maybe it does make me weak.....
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says:
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Yeah. I'll admit to weakness, but not stupidity. Just because you disagree with me doesn't make me stupid. Guess what? I believe in miracles too. I've experienced several in fact. I praise Him for them every day... and thank Him for the people He used to make that miracle happen. I know we all have different callings, and He uses different people in different ways. I believe in the promises He's given us in scriptures like:
Romans 8:28-
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.
Jeremiah 29:11-
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
and Revelation12:11-
And they have conquered him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, for they loved not their lives even unto death.
The thing is, He doesn't need anyone to perform a miracle. He can do whatever He wants, whenever He wants. It's an honor to us and shows us how much He loves us when He invites us in to where He is working. And just because the whole world doesn't see the miracle doesn't mean it didn't exist. I don't have to be there and see it with my own eyes. I know our Papa is bigger than anything and everything and could easily do a hundred thousand miracles at once without batting an eye!
I know I'm not perfect. I'd like to be, but let's face it, I'm a mess. I've been dealt a dirty hand time and again, but He's brought me out of the dark places each and every time. Every time I mess up, He's right there. Every time I am weak, He is right there. Every time I even think about bashing a non-believer who's bashing me, He is right there.
Reminding me that He has forgiven me, and them too.
Reminding me that He is teaching me, and them too.
Reminding me that He is loving me, and them too.
Matthew 5:43-48 says:
“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.
So the next time someone bashes me for my beliefs, I will hold on to what He is showing me. I will remain weak and fall on His strength. I will remember that He has a plan for them too, even if they don't believe it. I will trust that He will give them the same hope and future as He is giving me, and that they will one day love not their lives, even unto death. I will understand that He can and will pull them out of the dark places and that one day, instead of bashing my beliefs, they will be celebrating their own.
He can do that, ya'll. He can turn even the most hardened heart back to Him. Isn't that awesome??? If this is a struggle you have, remember to pray for the person bashing you. Ask God to intercede and change their hearts. Ask Him to show you how to respond and not react. Ask Him to guide you in showing love and weakness.
Ask Him in...Let Him work. Remember His promises and His goodness.
Love, trust and obey... But be real, be honest and be weak.....
Sometimes it's hard. Sometimes it's hard to trust and follow and believe when you are surrounded by negativity. I have realized just how important it is to be surrounded by fellow followers, especially when met by the negativity from non followers.
I am a Christian.
There. I said it. I used to hate that label. There are so very many negative connotations associated with it. But to deny it is a lie. I am a Christian. I believe in the Triune God... Father, Son and Holy Ghost. I believe in Jesus and try my hardest to follow His teachings. I believe in loving my neighbors and helping those that God puts in my path.
This does not make me stupid.
Nor does it make me weak. Actually... maybe it does make me weak.....
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says:
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Yeah. I'll admit to weakness, but not stupidity. Just because you disagree with me doesn't make me stupid. Guess what? I believe in miracles too. I've experienced several in fact. I praise Him for them every day... and thank Him for the people He used to make that miracle happen. I know we all have different callings, and He uses different people in different ways. I believe in the promises He's given us in scriptures like:
Romans 8:28-
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.
Jeremiah 29:11-
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
and Revelation12:11-
And they have conquered him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, for they loved not their lives even unto death.
The thing is, He doesn't need anyone to perform a miracle. He can do whatever He wants, whenever He wants. It's an honor to us and shows us how much He loves us when He invites us in to where He is working. And just because the whole world doesn't see the miracle doesn't mean it didn't exist. I don't have to be there and see it with my own eyes. I know our Papa is bigger than anything and everything and could easily do a hundred thousand miracles at once without batting an eye!
I know I'm not perfect. I'd like to be, but let's face it, I'm a mess. I've been dealt a dirty hand time and again, but He's brought me out of the dark places each and every time. Every time I mess up, He's right there. Every time I am weak, He is right there. Every time I even think about bashing a non-believer who's bashing me, He is right there.
Reminding me that He has forgiven me, and them too.
Reminding me that He is teaching me, and them too.
Reminding me that He is loving me, and them too.
Matthew 5:43-48 says:
“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.
So the next time someone bashes me for my beliefs, I will hold on to what He is showing me. I will remain weak and fall on His strength. I will remember that He has a plan for them too, even if they don't believe it. I will trust that He will give them the same hope and future as He is giving me, and that they will one day love not their lives, even unto death. I will understand that He can and will pull them out of the dark places and that one day, instead of bashing my beliefs, they will be celebrating their own.
He can do that, ya'll. He can turn even the most hardened heart back to Him. Isn't that awesome??? If this is a struggle you have, remember to pray for the person bashing you. Ask God to intercede and change their hearts. Ask Him to show you how to respond and not react. Ask Him to guide you in showing love and weakness.
Ask Him in...Let Him work. Remember His promises and His goodness.
Love, trust and obey... But be real, be honest and be weak.....
Broken But Beautiful
The opal in my engagement ring is cracked. I haven't worn it or my wrap around band in many months, and I have missed it. I took it off to prevent losing the stone, but we haven't had the funds to fix it for a while now. Ben pulled it out a few days ago and put it on my finger. As I've worn it, it's felt like a familiar weight. Something I missed that I didn't even realize how much I missed it. The stone is cracked and could fall out at any time. It's to that point that if I continue to wear it, the pieces will be lost.
This is what I feel like lately, in where I find myself as I follow Christ. I am cracked, and I miss myself sometimes. I am praying to prevent losing myself, but we don't have the funds to fix the physical problem right now. The recent events of Shelley getting sick and before that-- my support team stepping up to pull me out of the pit-- have done that very thing, pulled me out of the pit and put me back on solid ground. As I've felt that solid ground, it's felt familiar, and I've felt like my old self again.. happy, joyful even in the midst of chaos, loved. Things that I didn't even realize how much I had missed. I am cracked and could fall apart at any time. I'm to the point that if that happens, I feel as if I would be lost.
But there's beauty in all of this.
I've taken off the engagement ring and put it in safe keeping, but I missed the weight of this ring and this promise it represents. The constant reminder that I am not alone in this. No matter what I'm going through, God is right there, and He has given me this wonderful man to hold me and comfort me when I need it most. Ben is the reminder of how God Himself loves us all. He gave us this beautiful relationship, full of twists and turns and ups and downs, that He uses to remind us of how He loves us perfectly.
Ben and I on our own, well.... we are a mess. We are human. We've been together almost ten years (in 11 days, but who's counting, hehe?!?), and you learn a lot about each other in that time. We know which buttons to push to start a fight, which buttons to push to cause laughter. We know what drives each other crazy, and we know what to do when the other needs comfort. We can't love each other perfectly, because we are imperfect people. We are going to mess up. We are going to have bad days, and bad weeks, and maybe even bad years. We are going to have moments where it's going to be hard to love each other. We will have others where we will fall more in love and closer to a slightly more "perfect" relationship. Some days we are cheesy to most cheese-tastically cheesiest. Others... no one wants to be around for those moments. No, he's not perfect, just like I'm not perfect. However, God is.
There's the beauty in this... A Papa who loves us so much, that with Him as the center of our concentration, our marriage gets better. In putting our personal relationships with Him first, we no longer want to put the other or even worse, ourselves, on the pedestal. Even in moments where one or the other of us is faltering, He is there, guiding the other in prayer and care even while helping the one in the pit. His Spirit prompts us to show grace and love, to understand what the other is going through. He takes the broken moments and shows us His influence on our lives and how His plan is always best. We might not always understand the how or why, but we will look back and see the beauty in the cracks.
So while it may not be stylish to wear a wrap wedding band without the engagement ring, I don't care. I am proudly wearing it, as it is a visible, physical reminder of God's grace and mercy. We've been together ten wonderful bumpy years, and He's been there through it all. Even when we weren't asking Him to be there guiding us, He was there. In the ups, in the downs, in the twists and turns... He was always there. He loves us.. me with my messy, Ben with his, and us with each other's. And if He wants to use our messiness to showcase His love and mercy, then let it be. His will and plan are always better than mine. He's really been teaching me a lot in the little things within my relationships lately. He's in the details just as much as He's in the big picture. There is nothing He leaves in the dark.. There's nothing He can't turn to light.
Isaiah 60: 1-2 says:
Arise, shine, for your light has come,
and the glory of the Lord has risen upon you.
For behold, darkness shall cover the earth,
and thick darkness the peoples;
but the Lord will arise upon you,
and his glory will be seen upon you.
Arise. Shine. Trust. Be broken. Seek your relationship with Him and see what it does in your other relationships. Let Him show you how to love everyone, like He loves. Let His glory be seen upon you!
.
This is what I feel like lately, in where I find myself as I follow Christ. I am cracked, and I miss myself sometimes. I am praying to prevent losing myself, but we don't have the funds to fix the physical problem right now. The recent events of Shelley getting sick and before that-- my support team stepping up to pull me out of the pit-- have done that very thing, pulled me out of the pit and put me back on solid ground. As I've felt that solid ground, it's felt familiar, and I've felt like my old self again.. happy, joyful even in the midst of chaos, loved. Things that I didn't even realize how much I had missed. I am cracked and could fall apart at any time. I'm to the point that if that happens, I feel as if I would be lost.
But there's beauty in all of this.
I've taken off the engagement ring and put it in safe keeping, but I missed the weight of this ring and this promise it represents. The constant reminder that I am not alone in this. No matter what I'm going through, God is right there, and He has given me this wonderful man to hold me and comfort me when I need it most. Ben is the reminder of how God Himself loves us all. He gave us this beautiful relationship, full of twists and turns and ups and downs, that He uses to remind us of how He loves us perfectly.
Ben and I on our own, well.... we are a mess. We are human. We've been together almost ten years (in 11 days, but who's counting, hehe?!?), and you learn a lot about each other in that time. We know which buttons to push to start a fight, which buttons to push to cause laughter. We know what drives each other crazy, and we know what to do when the other needs comfort. We can't love each other perfectly, because we are imperfect people. We are going to mess up. We are going to have bad days, and bad weeks, and maybe even bad years. We are going to have moments where it's going to be hard to love each other. We will have others where we will fall more in love and closer to a slightly more "perfect" relationship. Some days we are cheesy to most cheese-tastically cheesiest. Others... no one wants to be around for those moments. No, he's not perfect, just like I'm not perfect. However, God is.
There's the beauty in this... A Papa who loves us so much, that with Him as the center of our concentration, our marriage gets better. In putting our personal relationships with Him first, we no longer want to put the other or even worse, ourselves, on the pedestal. Even in moments where one or the other of us is faltering, He is there, guiding the other in prayer and care even while helping the one in the pit. His Spirit prompts us to show grace and love, to understand what the other is going through. He takes the broken moments and shows us His influence on our lives and how His plan is always best. We might not always understand the how or why, but we will look back and see the beauty in the cracks.
So while it may not be stylish to wear a wrap wedding band without the engagement ring, I don't care. I am proudly wearing it, as it is a visible, physical reminder of God's grace and mercy. We've been together ten wonderful bumpy years, and He's been there through it all. Even when we weren't asking Him to be there guiding us, He was there. In the ups, in the downs, in the twists and turns... He was always there. He loves us.. me with my messy, Ben with his, and us with each other's. And if He wants to use our messiness to showcase His love and mercy, then let it be. His will and plan are always better than mine. He's really been teaching me a lot in the little things within my relationships lately. He's in the details just as much as He's in the big picture. There is nothing He leaves in the dark.. There's nothing He can't turn to light.
Isaiah 60: 1-2 says:
Arise, shine, for your light has come,
and the glory of the Lord has risen upon you.
For behold, darkness shall cover the earth,
and thick darkness the peoples;
but the Lord will arise upon you,
and his glory will be seen upon you.
Arise. Shine. Trust. Be broken. Seek your relationship with Him and see what it does in your other relationships. Let Him show you how to love everyone, like He loves. Let His glory be seen upon you!
.
Waiting
I have spent a lot of the last few days waiting. There's an old song by The Kinks that has been stuck in my brain that goes like this: "So tired, tired of waiting, tired of waiting for you...." I waited on doctors. I waited on nurses. I waited for Shelley to get better. I waited on things to level out.
Waiting and waiting and waiting. It seems hurry up and wait is what I'm supposed to be doing right now.
Right now, even as I write, I am waiting on Shelley to get here so I can help her. I'm waiting on God to show us what we are doing and where we are going. I'm waiting to see if we are going to be moving and if so, where. I'm waiting to see how the Fringe is going to go, as it kicked off Sunday. There is so much I'm waiting on.
And I hate it.
I don't like waiting. I like to do things right now. I like to know what it is I am going to be doing. I like to have a plan in place so that when it's time to get moving, things go well. I like to be prepared for whatever is coming our way.
But following Jesus isn't like that.
I have to let go of all the things that I like to be in control of. I have to wait on His plan. I have to trust that His timing is perfect. I have to wait upon the Lord.
Lamentations 3: 24-26 says:
“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“therefore I will hope in him.”
I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living!
Waiting and waiting and waiting. It seems hurry up and wait is what I'm supposed to be doing right now.
Right now, even as I write, I am waiting on Shelley to get here so I can help her. I'm waiting on God to show us what we are doing and where we are going. I'm waiting to see if we are going to be moving and if so, where. I'm waiting to see how the Fringe is going to go, as it kicked off Sunday. There is so much I'm waiting on.
And I hate it.
I don't like waiting. I like to do things right now. I like to know what it is I am going to be doing. I like to have a plan in place so that when it's time to get moving, things go well. I like to be prepared for whatever is coming our way.
But following Jesus isn't like that.
I have to let go of all the things that I like to be in control of. I have to wait on His plan. I have to trust that His timing is perfect. I have to wait upon the Lord.
Lamentations 3: 24-26 says:
“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“therefore I will hope in him.”
The Lord is good to those who wait for him,
to the soul who seeks him.
to the soul who seeks him.
It is good that one should wait quietly
for the salvation of the Lord.
for the salvation of the Lord.
Psalm 27: 13-14 says:
I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living!
Wait for the Lord;
be strong, and let your heart take courage;
wait for the Lord!
be strong, and let your heart take courage;
wait for the Lord!
Isaiah 30:18 says:
Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you,
and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you.
For the Lord is a God of justice;
blessed are all those who wait for him.
Even when I feel like the world is moving and I am stuck in one spot, He is moving. He is good, and if I patiently, quietly wait, something good will happen. When I push the issue, He encourages me to be strong and wait for Him. When I wait, He shows mercy. He blesses me when I wait on Him.
I don't like waiting. I don't like not being the one in control. I want things to happen when I want them. I want a magic wand, an easy fix. I don't want to wait. I want things to happen in my time, so that I don't have to wait. I want life to be easy, just once or twice.
Life isn't that way though. It's a step at a time, mostly in the right direction. It's knowing that at times we are going to stumble and rush the plan. There will be times when we drop the ball altogether and fall flat on our faces. He gives us grace though. He walks us through the tough times and shows us what we learned when we get to the other side. He picks us back up when we fall, and shows us that He was right there all along.
Waiting.
Waiting to show us His glory and His grace. Waiting to show us His love. If the Lord can wait upon us, why can't we wait upon Him?
and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you.
For the Lord is a God of justice;
blessed are all those who wait for him.
Even when I feel like the world is moving and I am stuck in one spot, He is moving. He is good, and if I patiently, quietly wait, something good will happen. When I push the issue, He encourages me to be strong and wait for Him. When I wait, He shows mercy. He blesses me when I wait on Him.
I don't like waiting. I don't like not being the one in control. I want things to happen when I want them. I want a magic wand, an easy fix. I don't want to wait. I want things to happen in my time, so that I don't have to wait. I want life to be easy, just once or twice.
Life isn't that way though. It's a step at a time, mostly in the right direction. It's knowing that at times we are going to stumble and rush the plan. There will be times when we drop the ball altogether and fall flat on our faces. He gives us grace though. He walks us through the tough times and shows us what we learned when we get to the other side. He picks us back up when we fall, and shows us that He was right there all along.
Waiting.
Waiting to show us His glory and His grace. Waiting to show us His love. If the Lord can wait upon us, why can't we wait upon Him?
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