The me I used to be

When I see me,
The me I used to be,
I see the brokenness, the pain,
The heartache and disdain.

I see the sadness and anger,
Ignoring the danger,
Hoping that something,

A N  Y  T  H  I  N  G

could dull the shame,
Remove the blame.

Make me whole again.

Knowing it was my choices,
Plus all of the voices,
Screaming and teeming
Inside of my brain...

Saying
Nothing, nothing, nothing
Could change..

I was to blame,
There's too much shame.
Nothing, nothing, nothing
Could change...

Until that moment,
That whisper, that quiet...
That peace stepped in,
Facing the riot.

Showing me Grace,
Lifting up my face
To find shame gone
And hope where it belongs.

Mercy loved me,
Mercy healed me.
Mercy showed me
A world that needs me.

To share my voice
And stand, by choice,
To live in truth,
To share my proof.

That love is enough,
That we are enough.
That He is enough
And it is enough

To know....

He loves you.
He loves me.
And through it all,
He will be.

Always with you,
Always with me.

Mel, circa 2000

Mel, circa 2019

Bring your brokenness

I've had the words to Francesca Battistelli's song, 'If We're Honest' stuck in my head today. I haven't heard it in a while, so when that happens, I know that God is trying to tell me something. I've been puzzling it through and praying about it throughout my day, and I finally have my answer. He is asking for my honesty. For my brokenness. For the very things that we all hide from the world.
Earlier, on a return trip to Walmart (because of course I forgot something!), I had a thirty minute conversation with an older gentlemen. I could hardly hear him, but when I did understand him, we talked about his pets and bowel movements and where he lives. It was a moment that struck me. He felt open enough with me to tell me about one of the most secretive things in a person's life. How many of you would tell a perfect stranger about a BM so bad you had to toss your clothes? I would be willing to bet the answer is not very many. But he was. And it finally clicked when I got home. That's what He is asking of me. To let people in. To share my good moments and my bad moments. If I wasn't dealing with a chronic illness, I wouldn't be at Walmart in the middle of the day. I wouldn't be able to sit and listen to a gentleman who just needed someone to sit with him for a moment, to know someone else heard him. I wouldn't be able to answer the phone or a message when someone needs prayer. I wouldn't be able to listen. I wouldn't be as solid a prayer warrior as I am now.
If I'm honest, when I am well, I make myself too busy to slow down and take in His world. I hide my brokenness and pain and put up a brave front. If I am not honest about my brokenness and pain, how can anyone be honest with me? If I don't allow them to see how my Saviour helps me grow through my brokenness and pain, how can they see that growth? They can't.
Over the last few months, He has really been convicting me about my pride. I've been such a prideful human, not letting anyone really see what was going on with me. Not letting people IN, hiding behind "I'm fine, how are you?" If I can't bring my brokenness to the table, how can I ask them to bring theirs? I can't. I have to be willing to break my pride and allow Him to do what He is going to do with it. I have to be willing to let Him use every single thing that is part of my story.
Because after all, my story is His story.

Hello Again!

Hello old friend!
I have missed you greatly. I felt a little lost without you there for a bit, but God showed me that sometimes we have to grow through some things in order to get to the next level. Recently, though, I've been feeling the itch. I've had a few word plays come to mind that make me think you are back and we are ready to do this again. I am so very excited to see what comes next.
What have I been up to, you ask? Well, I worked part time as a florist for a bit. I had hoped that that meant I was done with this chronic illness business, but alas, I was wrong. I went down again and really struggled with finding my worth. Then we moved, which has been awesome, but came with its own set of new struggles and discoveries. My health has continued to be a roller coaster ride. We've had some really great highs and some scary lows. But through it all, we've come to truly see and understand who we are in Christ, and more importantly, who He is.
We also got not one, not two, but three new pups! We had no idea the joy and chaos they would bring. God has taught me so much through them! Then, the kids are all preteens or young teens now. That's been fun, hahaha. Oh the hormonal rages and tears and angst that come along with that age range! Not to mention, all the fun things we have to talk about, including gender, dating, active shooter scenarios, and many other hard things. Ben and I just celebrated sixteen years together. Through our journey, we've come to really love and trust each other, no matter what life throws at us. We've learned it's never going to be 'easy', but if we talk it out and turn to God, it will always be okay.
I look forward to sharing some of these adventures and lessons with you, old friend. I also can't wait to see what God leads us through with this renewal of words. It will be wonderful, come what may!
Until next time, stay strong, be courageous, and trust that He's got you, no matter what!

That Place in the Woods

In that place in the woods,

As the sun

beams upon my face,

I sit in awe at the music

You create.

While the birds in the trees

Are twittering, chittering,

Chatting about their day,

Tap-tap-tapping away..

The breeze dances through the trees,

Scattering the leaves

And whispering to me

The lovely secrets it keeps.

Laughter and love quietly shout

To remind me what it's always about.

The peaceful existence fills my soul

And prepares my heart for battles untold..

I sit back and watch,

as the birds flitter by,

Knowing that soon,

I'll have to say goodbye.

To return to a land

that's lost sight of it all,

And take up my sword

And remind them to pause...

To remember the Savior,

Who died for us all,

And the God who loves us,

Sin and all.

the Gardener

I love when God teaches me a lesson using things in my daily life. This morning, as I was tending to my plants, the comparisons between the work at hand and how He cares for us struck me.

When I am in constant care of my plants, and they are receiving the water and food and pruning they need, they grow and flourish. Some need bright, direct light, while others need a gentle diffused light. Some do better separated from the crowd, yet still close enough to interact with one another. Others love to be in a group, allowing the water to flow from one another and their leaves to become intertwined. Sometimes I have to prune one hard in order to help it grow. Some need a gentle hand, while others need a firmer one. When one is sick or struggling to live, I have to give them extra attention. Sometimes I lose one, and I am very, very sad.

As God cares for us, He knows what we need before we even need it. When we are connected to Him, we grow and flourish. He sent us living water in the form of Jesus, and food for our souls in the form of the Bible, to ensure that growth. He shines a light for us all to reflect, but gives the perfect amount of light for each of us to flourish. He brings people into our lives because we need each other. When we are all connected together, and our arms are intertwined with His, that living water flows from one to the next in the form of grace and mercy. He also prunes us when we need to grow, and while oftentimes it hurts, it is so good for our growth. Then there are those that He loses. If you think they don't break His heart, then you would be wrong. He fights for us all, and gives each of us every opportunity to turn to Him.

He knows what we often don't want to admit: we all need the Gardener. My plants won't live if I turn away. Neither will we, if we turn from Him.

But for those whose roots are firmly enmeshed in His foundation? We will grow.

P.S. I'm so glad to be writing again!

Calling

As I watch the snow,

Gently falling, falling.

I hear Your voice,

Gently calling, calling….

Speak to me daughter,

You need Me, need Me.

Walk with me daughter,

And heed me, heed me.

Pray to me daughter,

And heed me, heed me.

Listen my daughter,

You need me, need me.

I have a plan,

And it’s calling, calling.

It’s time to work,

No more stalling, stalling.

Look at me child,

No more falling, falling.

Trust in Me now,

Hear me calling, calling….

I hear You, Father,

And you’re calling, calling.

It’s to get up,

No more stalling, stalling.

I hear Your voice,

Gently calling, calling.

I will stand up,

No more falling, falling.

Snowflakes

A few weeks ago, a couple of friends and I were talking about the usage of “snowflake” as a derogatory term. We decided that it wasn’t cool to use something so unique in such an unkind way, and that we needed to take that term back. But to be honest, I haven’t thought much about it since that day.

However, it’s snowing here today, and it is the most amazingly beautiful snow I’ve seen in a long time. I’ve spent my quiet time today watching the beauty that God created. It started with sleet, and then gradually changed to snow. The sleet was pounding down in a straight path to the earth; hitting hard at the end and bouncing a couple of times before coming to rest and melting slowly into nothingness. Meanwhile, the snow floated gently down, in a meandering path, knowing that it too would come to a rest on the earth as well. However, instead of melting immediately, the snowflakes begin to lean on one another. Thus, making a quiet peaceful blanket of snow, covering everything they came to rest on and supporting those flakes that come later.

That’s when it occurred to me…

Why are we not more like the snowflake? Each is individual. No two are exactly the same, just like us. A snowflake alone melts into nonexistence, but when they lean on and support each other, they can bring a peaceful existence to an otherwise insane world, at least for a short time.  Man cannot stand alone, lest he melt into nonexistence. God created us to stand together… to support one another, and love each other. Yet instead of standing together, we race to the finish line, bouncing off any and everything that stands in our way, not caring who we harm or what we have to do to win.

We run over each other to finish a race none of us are competing in.

You guys. We all get to the same finish line. Some of us will reach it with grace and mercy, having made an impact of support and love. Others will reach it with terror and anger, having made an impact of neglect and hate, or icy cool indifference.  Which do you choose?

As for me and my household, we choose God's grace and mercy. We choose love. 

We choose to be snowflakes.